【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼

【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼

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  01 危险的运动应该被取消 ，这样的话题出现的还是比较普遍的，相对来说也比较好写，但也因为范围太广不好找切入点，这位同学写得还不错，看看他是怎样展开思路的？
  
  
  
  作文题目：
  
  Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned,but others think the people should have freedom to choose sports activities.Discuss both views and give your opinion.
  
  作文内容：
  
  Extreme sports are becoming increasingly popular due to the fact that individuals nowadays are awash with repeated daily work and want to find something exciting to do.Although a group of people believe that the dangerous sports should be banned,I firmly hold the opinion that people have their rights and freedom to choose sports activities.
  
  There is no doubt that extreme sports may be life-threatening.Even if the security facilities have been improved significantly compared to the past,accidents do exist.For instance,every year there are some people getting injured or even losing their lives in bungee jumping as a result of the loose cords or jumping from a inappropriate place.From this perspective,it seems that in order to protect human beings from danger,dangerous sports should be restricted.
  
  However,doing dangerous sports is an effective way to alleviate stress and make people cherish their lives.Nowadays,owing to the fast flow of information,individuals live a fast-paced life.When they finish certain works,now ones quickly flock to them which could breed high pressure.In this circumstance,extreme sports such as skydiving can help them get rid of the troublesome work[A1] as they need to totally focus on the dangerous sports,which means,they have little time to think about their work.Moreover,people may cherish their lives more via experiencing the frightening feelings of death.
  
  To conclude,although extreme sports like bungee jumping and skydiving may be life-threatening,the probability is quite small.Also,the dangerous activities are beneficial because they could alleviate stress and make people cherish their lives.[A2] Therefore,they should be continued and the authorities have the duty to make the security facilities more reliable.
  
  [A1]摆脱的不是工作，而是工作带来的压力，这里需要修改；
  [A2]和上面的重复过多，缓解压力变相表达就是心情变得更加愉悦，可以从这个角度来改变表达方式，后者及意识的生命的宝贵，不可直接把上面的句子拿下来
  
  
  各项细评：
  
  
  
  
  针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：
  
  结尾段的语句不够精炼，这点给整篇文章拉分。希望今后不要出现结尾段直接和上面表达雷同的情况，并且表达方式可以更加灵活
  
  附批改原图：
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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