你和中国妻子的婚姻为什么失败？（二） [美国媒体]

Why did your marriage with your Chinese wife not work out? (or not working out)

你和中国妻子的婚姻为什么失败？



EjaculatingMan
No. I am not happy with the situation at all. In my mind all of the issues we have are solvable but I think my wife is lacking the ability and maturity to overcome these things.

不。我对现状一点都不满意。我觉得我们所有的问题都可以解决，但我妻子没有克服这些问题的能力和成熟度。

I am not sleeping with my female friends and I don't want to. We know each other from University and I am good mates with the husbands and boyfriends also. She just thinks that I am in love with them because I told her they are great before. Which by the way is still true.

我没有和别的女人上床，我也不想。那些女性朋友都是我大学时候认识的，我和她们的丈夫或男朋友都是好朋友。我妻子却认为我爱她们，就因为我跟她说，我的这些女性朋友都很好。而且我说的也是事实呀。



We met in Beijing and moved to Germany after about 2 years and got married. But the issues all started in Germany. She just doesn't get how we live. It is very important to me to have a strong circle of friends which I have. I have a huge amount of friends here and I refuse to sever ties anyone because of my wife. If I drink a beer with friends or colleagues after work I am accused of not loving her.

我们在北京相遇，两年后搬到德国，后来就结婚了。这些问题都是在德国出现的。她就是不懂我们的生活。对我来说，拥有强大的朋友圈是非常重要的。我在这里有很多朋友，我不会因为我妻子与任何人断绝关系。如果我下班后和朋友或同事一起喝啤酒，她就会指责我不爱她。

I am not German and just live here. My parents are not so far away and visit often. She makes this stressful also. She constantly fears that they don't think she is good enough(not true by the way). She complains they visit to often and I am stressing her. But my parents will visit Germany as often whenever they want. They stay in a hotel because it is more convenient and I will never tell them not to visit me. But she complains that it isn't fair that my parents visit and hers do not. Again this is noting to do with me. I have invited them many times.

我不是德国人，只是住在这里。我的父母不太远，经常来看我们。她就感觉有压力。她总担心我的父母认为她不够好(顺便说一句，这不是真的)。她抱怨他们来的太勤，我老给他压力。但是我父母经常想来德国。为了方便他们都是住酒店。我永远不会告诉他们不要来看我。可是她总是抱怨，我父母经常过来，而她的父母都不来，这样不公平。他们不来我有什么办法。我邀请过他们很多次了。

Now she is working in an office and all the guys fancy her. Which I couldn't give a shit about. But she tells them how they all love her I don't and why am I not scared she will run away. She is addicted to attention from guys. If someone asks for her phone number she will tell me it's so nice. She constantly goes on about how popular she was in high school and I should appreciate how lucky I am to have her.

现在她在办公室，所有的男人都喜欢她。我才不在乎呢。可是她会说，所有人都爱她，就我不爱，还说我为什么不怕她跑掉。她沉迷于男人的关注。如果有人要她的电话号码，她就会跟我炫耀。她一直说自己在高中的时候多受欢迎，娶了她我是多么幸运。



thebeastisback2007
I'm neither qualified nor comfortable giving marriage advice to strangers on the internet. So I'll just say this.

在网上给陌生人提供婚姻建议，我既没有能力，也感觉不舒服。这么说吧：

Read what you just posted, and imagine it was someone else posting this. What would you think? And what advice would YOU give them?

看看你刚发布的内容，想象一下如果是别人这么说。你会怎么想?你会给他什么建议?

EjaculatingMan
I know

我明白。

Archon_Ildabaoth
Maybe it's time to ejaculate into someone or something else.

也许是时候射到其他人或其他东西里面了。

IrateGuy
man this relationship sounds unhealthy as fuck. You sound like you know what's up tho and know your relationship is heading for separation. If you did want it to succeed you should get some marriage counselling ASAP.

伙计，你们的关系不怎么健康呀。你很清楚你们的状况，也知道你们正在走向分手。如果你还珍惜这份婚姻，最好尽快去婚姻咨询看一下。



takeitchillish
I want to comment on two things. 1. I am married to a mainland Chinese woman and it is very similar to your experience regarding social life and female friends. It seems like many Chinese women (my own experience from all the Chinese women I have dated) do not want partners to have their own time outside the relationship and their own social life and circle of friends which is actually really common in the West. Hence, they will get angry if you go out with your own friends for beer or whatever. 2. Her thing about talking about how pretty she was in High School and how other guys court her and ask her for her number and how you should be lucky is a pretty common behaviour for women or men who are not secure in their relationship when it comes to aspect of mate value. Maybe you do not understand this term but it is a common term within evolutionary psychology and sexueal/mate selection.

我用两件事来评论：1、我老婆来自中国大陆，在社交生活和女性朋友方面的经历和你非常相似。从所有和我约会过的中国女性那得到的经验，似乎很多中国女性都不希望伴侣像西方国家那样恋爱之外还有自己的时间，有自己的社交生活和朋友圈。因此，你和朋友出去喝啤酒之类的，她们就会生气；2、说自己在高中有多漂亮、其他男人追她、要她的号码、娶了她你是多么幸运，这是女性或男性想达到自己择偶值时没有安全感的最常见行为。也许你不明白这个术语，但这是进化心理学和性、配偶选择的一个常见术语。

What she is trying to do is to increase her mate value within your relationship. She does this in order to become more desirable in your eyes so that you will not leave her for any other woman, it is a so called mate retention tactic. She probably does this subconsciously and does not understand the underlying logic behind her behaviour. This is just one way for a partner to increase her or his perceived mate value in a relationship. In her mind, you got probably a higher mate value than her, hence, this behaviour and insecurity. And btw, apart from that, she does not sound to be very emotionally stable. Probably high in narcissism, neuroticism and maybe psychopathy according to what you have written. Maybe she should seek counseling or something.

在你们两人的关系中，她想增加自己的择偶值。这样做是为了在你眼中变得更有魅力，这样你就不会为了别的女人离开她，这就是所谓的保持配偶关系策略。她这么做可能是潜意识的，不理解这些行为背后的逻辑。这只是伴侣在增加伴侣价值的一种方式。在她看来，你可能比她的择偶值更高，所以才会出现这些行为和不安全感。顺便说一句，除此之外，她的情绪好像也不太稳定。根据你描述的，她可能高度自恋，神经质或者精神变态。也许她应该去看一下医生。



Nude-eh
I think you should show her your texts (assuming there is nothing there as you say) just to shut her up a bit.

我觉得你应该让她看你的短信，然后让她闭嘴，当然前提是你确实没问题。

Other than that, she sounds a bit wacky. It sounds like she want to manipulate you like a high school girl. Too much drama for me, but you bought it so you must like it.

除此之外，感觉她有点古怪。她好像对高中生那样操控你。对我来说太麻烦了，但是既然你娶了她，你就必须喜欢她。

Maybe she need a bit of a strong man to control her. She seems to be acting out to gain attention from you.

也许他需要一个强势点的男人来控制她。她好像想吸引你的注意力。

Calling you a shitty husband and threatening suicide is just out.
I hope the pussy is good.....

说你是没用的男人，还威胁要自杀，这就有点过了。
希望你们性生活和谐。

EjaculatingMan
I get what you are saying. However showing her text messages is a slippery slope. If I start giving in to her demands she will want to do it all the time which is a violation of my privacy.

我明白你的意思。但是向她展示短息属于滑坡效应。如果我满足她这些无理要求，他就会得寸进尺，这是侵犯我的隐私。

Nude-eh
Well, I do not think you need much privacy with your wife, but maybe I am old-fashioned.
Anyway, the later stuff makes her seem so crazy as to be almost dangerous. Living abroad can cause extreme stress. It seems like she needs some sort of counseling or some friends or something.

我觉得你和自己的老婆不需要有太多的隐私，不过也许我这种想法过时了。
无论如何，后面的事让她看起来很疯狂，几乎是危险的。在国外生活本来就容易产生极大的压力。她应该去看看心理医生，或者交一些朋友。



EjaculatingMan
While I get what you are saying I won't give up my friends. I think it is an outdated idea at this point given how women are more or less everywhere. Also she is invited to come with me always but refuses to because she doesn't like some of them.

我明白你的意思，不过我不会放弃我的朋友。这种想法确实过时了，现在到处都是女性。我的朋友们也邀请她了，可是有些人她不喜欢，就拒绝了我朋友的邀请。

notviolence
There is no "outdating" sexual attraction, it is in the very fabric of our being it will never go away, at least by normal means.

两性吸引没有“过时”一说，这是人类的基础，永远不会消失，至少在正常的情况下不会消失。

If you truly want a successful marriage, and you aren't a swinger or something, you're going to ha e to prioritize your Male friends over female friends. Regardless if shes chinese or not. Women will always be insecure if you're around playing with other women, especially when she isnt there, no matter if she says anything to the contrary.

如果想要一段成功的婚姻，首先就不能乱搞男女关系，你应该把男性朋友看得比女性朋友重要。不管你老婆是不是中国人。你和别的女人在一起，你老婆肯定没有安全感，特别是她不在的时候，不管她说什么反话。

notviolence
Have you ever broken her trust with other women?

你有没有和别的女人乱搞，破坏了她的信任。

aklbos
Damn dude, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation.

该死，听你的故事我感到很遗憾。



And lastly, you're right, almost nothing the same between US and Taiwanese culture. A lot more similar between US and German.

最后，你说的对，美国和台湾的文化几乎没有一样的。美德两国的文化才更相似。

Kopfballer
Actually people ARE fleeing. They try to get their kids out of the country, they try to get their money out of the country. In China's case it is the wealthy people who are fleeing while the poor don't have a chance to do so.

事实上，中国人正在逃离。试图让孩子离开这个国家，试图把钱转移出去。在中国，富人正在逃离，而穷人却没有机会。

erotika_2
My Canadian friend's marriage with his Chinese wife was nearly wrecked by his witch of a mother-in-law who was always interfering in things that had nothing to do with her. It didn't help that the wife's family came from the countryside, were dirt poor and had backward values. He eventually had to buy a one-way plane ticket for him and his wife to save the marriage.

我加拿大朋友和他中国妻子的婚姻几乎被他岳母这个老巫婆给毁了，她总是干涉与她无关的事情。他的妻子来自农村，家境贫寒，价值观落后，根本帮不上忙。为了挽救婚姻，他最终不得不为自己和妻子买了一张单程机票。

takeitchillish
That is why you should find a girl who lives in a different city faraway from her hometown. That is pretty easy in cities like Shanghai, Beijing, Shenzhen and Guangzhou where a huge part of the population comes from other provinces.

这就是为什么要找到一个离家乡远，生活在另一个城市的女孩。在上海、北京、深圳和广州等城市，很容易找到。



The woman marries to your family should stay and celebrate with your family. Don't make sense to celebrate at her family place when you should celebrate with your family locally instead.
In case of culture differences, celebrate yourself and invite your relatives instead.

嫁到你们家了，就应该留在你们家一起庆祝。在当地庆祝，不用再跑到她们家去庆祝，没有意义。
如果有文化差异，那就邀请亲戚和你一起庆祝。

cstonerun
Feel like he or she is baiting for content to use to write a piece global times or some shit.

感觉是楼主在钓鱼，这样就能写一篇文章给环球时报等垃圾网站。

ting_bu_dong
I got 99 problems, but my wife ain't one.
And, she's really fucking patient to help me deal with my 99 problems.

我有99个问题，可是我老婆不算问题。
而且她特别有耐心，能帮我处理那99个问题。

asiaps2
Money. Money. No money no honey. In laws expect you to pay for them.

钱钱钱！没钱没宝贝！她的家人就知道钱。

takeitchillish
That really depends if the in-laws got money or not. I know in-laws who have paid for the wedding in China giving an apartment to the Chinese-foreign couple and so forth.

这得要看妻子那边是否有钱。我认识的一些人，父母为一对跨国夫妻在中国举办了婚礼，还买了给他们买了一套房子。



ObsidianOrangutan
Its a common tradition in a bunch of different places. There's some evidence for it having health benefits for the mother, but the research isn't conclusive. No strong evidence for it being harmful, just a bit strange to people from a culture not used to it. But you can say that about hundreds of things on both sides.

在许多不同的地方都是普遍传统。有证据表明这对母亲的健康有好处，但这项研究还不是结论性的。没有确凿的证据证明有害，只是对一个文化背景的人来说有点奇怪。这两个地方还有上百类这种东西。

taiwan_deepone
No. I mean it's soup. Made with boiled human placenta.

我的意思是胎盘汤。把人的胎盘直接煮熟做汤。

hapigood
Data point: Divorce rates are high 30%s in Tier-1 and Tier-2 cities. That's for locals.
I'm not sure the number is higher or lower for Chinese:non-Chinese national pairs.

数据显示:中国一、二线城市的离婚率高达30%。这数据是针对当地人。
不知道，中国和非中国配偶来说，这个数据是高还是低。

takeitchillish
Cross-cultural marriages can be very difficult. I would guess divorce rates might be a bit higher. However, it might be lower after having children because none of the parents probably want to lose the contact with their child, especially if a divorce will lead to one parent lives in China and the other parent lives abroad. Would be interesting to see difference in divorce rates between foreign man with Chinese woman and foreign woman with Chinese man.

跨文化婚姻确实不容易。我觉得这种婚姻的离婚率可能会高一点。不过两人有了孩子以后，比例可能降低，因为父母都不想与孩子断了关系，尤其是离婚导致一方在中国，另一方在国外的情况。比较下外国男人和中国女人，外国女人和中国男人的离婚率应该很有趣。



chalkyWubnub
I didn't marry. I loved this girl, and I /planned/ on it, but she started several-week-long 无理取闹 marathon - one of the main complaints was that I'd never fully understand China. I was like "that's not a problem. I'll keep studying and learn as much as I can... But you're gonna continue learning about my country, right?" and she was basically like "I dunno."

我没有结婚。我爱这个女孩,而且也计划结婚了，可是她却开始了长达数周的马拉松式无理取闹。主要是抱怨我从来都没有完全理解中国。我的意思是“这不是问题。我会一直了解，竭尽所能的了解，可是你也会了解我的国家，对吧?"她的回答基本上是"我不知道"

At a certain point, she asks to break up with me, and I thought "hmm... well, this is an easy out. Let's do that." So I said "Okay." And then after I found a new place, she pretended like she'd never asked to break up. I imagine high-school dating is kinda like that? Breaking up with someone and then pretending like it was the other person who broke it off? I was 26 and she was 24.

某一天，她就说咱们分手吧，我心想“嗯，这样也好，那就分手吧。”然后我就说"好吧。"然后我就找了个新地方，她就假装是我要分手的。这都是高中生的把戏吧?和恋人分手，再假装是他提出?当时我26岁，她24岁。

The fact that it's over is definitely for the best, but even so - man, I really loved that girl. She had charm coming out the ears. Now she's married to some dude in the same country as me, and I hope they're doing well, but I really wonder. At the same time, I don't want to ask too much, though.

实际上，我们分手绝对是最好的结果，即使如此，我真的很爱那个女孩。她真的很有魅力。现在她嫁给了和我来自同一个国家的男人，我希望他们过得很好，不过我也很好奇。同时，我也不想问得太多。

takeitchillish
Especially from the in-laws. They expect you to behave like a Chinese.

尤其是姻亲们，他们还指望我像中国人那样。

xiefeilaga
My in-laws eventually decided I'm beyond saving. We've gotten along a lot better since then.

最后，我岳父岳母决定我不用省钱了，从那以后我们的关系就好很多了。

takeitchillish
Do you call them "mama and "baba"? And bring gifts every time when you visit? For me, I cannot say "mama and "baba" to my in-laws, way to weird for me, I cannot just do it, especially when we are not close and rarely have things to say to each other.

你叫他们妈妈、爸爸吗?每次去拜访都带礼物吗?对我来说，爸爸妈妈我是说不出口，这太奇怪了，我接受不了，特别时我们还不太亲近，很少说话的时候。



-ipa
If you can get over the minor cultural challenges, and develop your relationship together, like any other couple does, it will all work out.

如果你能克服文化上的小挑战，像其他夫妇一样，一起发展你们的关系，一切都会成功的。
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