40条关于婚姻的搞笑推文 [美国媒体]

-------------译者：谈笑风扔-审核者：hht288------------



Marriage is a long and sometimes bumpy road. But couples who can find some humor in the day-to-day annoyances disagreements and quirks of married life are more likely to go the distance. 

婚姻是一段漫长而且时而颠簸不平的道路。但是那些在日复一日的厌烦、分歧和争吵的婚姻生活中能找到些幽默的夫妻们更有可能携手走得更长远。

Below we present 40 of the funniest and most relatable marriage tweets of 2017. 

以下，是2017年40条最搞笑的和婚姻有关的推文。

1.I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.
Current count:23

我正在做一个秘密调查，看我在房子里能放多少个装饰枕头会让我老公丧失理智。
当前个数：23

2.wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
me: Yep
wife: What temperature?
me: 534
wife: That's the clock
me
wife
me: 535

老婆（电话交谈中）：你有像我交代的那样预热烤箱吗？
我：有。
老婆：温度多少？
我：534度。
老婆：那显示的是时间。
我：...
老婆：...
我：535度。

3.[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

[在老婆感谢大家光临儿子生日聚会的脸书状态下评论] 我们还有芥末吗？

4.Dear Abby
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

亲爱的艾比y：
我老公做烤奶酪的时候我告诉他我不想吃，现在我想吃了。该怎么办？

5.WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

老婆：我们真的要考虑下遵守我们的月预算计划了。
我：*正在喂我养的宠物章鱼一袋翡翠* 我同意。

6.I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

我已经到了这样的婚姻阶段了，当我老公在沙发上睡着的时候，（我在想）天哪！我好兴奋！整张床都是我一个人的了！

7.Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion?
Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?

老婆：我告诉你多少次了别把我的保湿霜用作身体乳？
我：*肌肤润的焕发光彩* 你是在套我话吗？

8.Don't marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.

在你看到她/他踩在一个乐高积木上之前先别跟他/结婚。（译：大概是还会玩积木的人太过幼稚。）

9.Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend.
Wife: Wow. We finally have friends.
Me: We’re skipping both right?
Wife: Obviously.

我：这周有两个聚会邀请了我们。
老婆：哇哦，我们终于有朋友了。
我：我们两个都不去，对吧？
老婆：还用问嘛。

10.My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

我能每天照顾他的孩子，但我老公却不肯让我在家得宝（家居建材零售商）帮他拿几根木头，因为他怕我把它们弄花或者弄弯了。

-------------译者：谈笑风扔-审核者：hht288------------

11.*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate? 
Husband from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

*答复圣诞派对邀请*
小声地对电话说：我可以带上我那个怪怪的室友吗？
我身后的老公：别再那样叫我啦！

12.Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown you're 35

小宝宝 *因为没轮到她戴公主皇冠而哭个不停*
我：宝贝，你要学会分享哦。
老公：你把那皇冠给她，你都35岁了。

13.Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.

盯着你的丈夫看同时从充电器上拔掉他的手机并插上自己的充电来宣示自己在这个家里的统治地位。

14.Husband: you walk really loud.
Anyway marriage is fun.

老公：你走路声音真大。
不管怎么说，婚姻真有趣啊。

15.Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.

还在等我老公为昨晚他在我梦里做的事道歉。

16.A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

婚姻中有意思的事之一是：争论谁拥有车载充电器的使用权。说说你用的比例来证明下！

17.*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

*老婆跑回我们着火的房子*
你在做什么！？
老婆：我只是想在消防员来之前整理一下。

18.Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say "Breathe the other way".

嫁给你的真爱吧，这样你们就可以一起醒来然后说：“你给我换一边吐气。”

19."You see when a man loves a woman very very much he makes her coffee" I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.

“你看，当一个男人非常非常爱一个女人的时候，他就会给她煮咖啡”，我看着丈夫向我的孩子们解释道。

20.[Me on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?

[我，濒死时]
妻子：你真的要穿这身衣服吗？

-------------译者：龙腾翻译总管-审核者：龙腾翻译总管------------

21.Hubs "Are you going to drink that entire bottle of wine?"
Me "You didn't marry no quitter."
Hubs nodding "My Queen."

丈夫：你是打算喝掉那一整瓶酒吗？
我："你娶的可不是个会轻易放弃的人."
丈夫点点头："好吧，我的女王。"

22.I love my husband but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first.

我爱我的丈夫，但无论我在哪个地方睡觉，我必让他睡在靠门的那边，以确保万一有人闯进来，第一个被杀掉的是他。

23.wife: I told you not to wear it in the shower
me [holding a soggy Burger King crown] I don't need a lecture right now

妻子：我告诉过你不要戴着那东西洗澡。
我：[拿着湿软掉的汉堡王王冠]我现在不想被人说教。

24.Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am. 
-marriage

告诉我你有多累，这样我就能告诉你我丫比你更累让你还敢逼逼。 ——这就是婚姻。

25.*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No I'm just getting 2 things. 
Him: *rolls eyes grabs cart*

*走进一家商店*
他：你不要一辆推车吗？
我：不需要，我就买两件东东。
他： *翻个大白眼，拿了一辆推车*
Marriage level: Expert

我俩的婚姻级别：专家级

26.Until I got married I didn't even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

直到我结婚了才知道原来还有种傲慢地嚼口香糖的方式。

27.Watching out the window for husband to get home with my wine & this is the adult version of waiting for the ice cream truck

看向窗外等待出去帮我买酒的丈夫回家， 这就是等待冰激淋车来的成人版本。

28.[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She'll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

[丈夫拨打了911]
我（丈夫）：我刚把调味汁瓶打碎了。
911：她（你老婆）会杀了你的。
丈夫：我知道啊，救命。
911：我们从没通过电话。
丈夫：你说啥？
911：祝您好运。
* 电话咔哒声 *

29.Me: the book is so much better
Wife [pauses Shrek 3]: can you stop interrupting every 2 minutes

我：书写的好多了。
妻子[暂停《怪物史莱克3》]：你能不能别每两分钟就打断一下。

30.Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.
Me: So it's a can't opener?
Wife: I can't believe I married you.

妻子（想要开一罐金枪鱼罐头）说：我们的开罐器坏了。
丈夫：所以它是个开不了的开罐器喽？
妻子：我当初真是瞎了眼了，才会嫁给你。

-------------译者：风起云团-审核者：龙腾翻译总管------------

31.Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

如果你喜欢有人在你电影看到一半时回来并跟你讲当天轶事的话，那结婚也是可以的。

32.Husband: *choking on a curly fry*
Me: *starts panicking* Oh god oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!

丈夫：*吃炸薯圈时被呛到了*
我：*开始恐慌* 我的天，我滴个神啊！你真的把我最后一个炸薯圈给吃了吗?!

33.The secret to a lasting marriage is knowing no one else would put up with your bullshit.

保持婚姻长久的秘诀就是要知道没人会忍受你的一堆废话。

34.I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.

当我打开洗碗机，里面都是干净的盘子，接着我开始害怕我妻子会知道我知道（盘子干净这件事）了。

35.My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target we'd probably have a few snakes.

我的妻子讨厌蛇。但如果塔吉特百货 (Target) 有卖蛇肉的话，那我们可能会买几条来吃。

36.me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

我：亲爱的你需要拥抱你的缺点（接受自己的缺点）。
妻子：好的（然后她抱住了我）。

37.*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
"Pick that up."

*把浴巾扔在酒店的地板上*
【收到了老婆从家里发来的信息】
“把它捡起来。”

38.Only marriage can turn a missing spatula into an act of war.

只有婚姻才能把丢了一把抹刀演变成一场战争。
（译者注：抹刀；铲〔用于涂抹、拌和或盛起软质物的厨房用具〕）

39.Call me old-fashioned but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

我算是个老土鳖，但我相信婚姻存在于这两人之间，一个讨厌泡菜的人和一个会帮他/她吃掉那泡菜的人。

40.When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

当我的丈夫要我为晚饭做些创意点缀的时候，我就在餐巾纸上画了条可爱的小狗然后放在披萨盒旁边。

原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.com 翻译：翻译加工厂 转载请注明出处

-------------译者：龙腾翻译总管-审核者：龙腾翻译总管------------

Jade12 hours ago
Until I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put milk back in the fridge.

结婚前，我甚至不知道世上原来还有所谓的把牛奶放进冰箱的错误做法存在。

izzybean12 hours ago
Best marriage advice ever was in Sons of the Desert. Ollie asks Stan why he didn't agree to go to the convention right away. Stan looks at Ollie and says "How am I supposed to know what to do until I ask my wife? ".

至今为止最好的婚姻建议在《沙漠之子》里。奥利问斯坦为什么他不同意马上参加大会。斯坦看着奥利说：“在问我妻子之前，我怎么知道要怎么做？”
（译注：《沙漠之子》讲述老瑞（laurei）和哈迪（hardy）是连襟兄弟，两人都是十足的妻管严，一次到沙漠寻欢却状况不断……；该电影主演为斯坦·劳莱（Stan Laurel） 、奥列佛·哈台（Oliver Hardy））

Raymond9 hours ago
Whenever someone is murdered the first person the cops look at is the spouse.......and that is all you need to know about marriage.

每当有人被谋杀，警察第一个看的人就是其配偶......而这就是你需要了解的关于婚姻的一切。

Picture Perfect11 hours ago
1st the engagement ring then the wedding ring then the suffering

开始是订婚戒指，接着是结婚戒指，最后就是无尽折磨。（译注：取“ring”的谐音）

edward g13 hours ago
married Mrs. Right then realized her first name was Always.

娶了真命天女后发现，她的名字叫总是。
（译注：连起来就是Mrs.Always Right，即老婆大人总是对的）

Myesterday
funny almost makes me want to get married....almost.

太好笑了，有趣到让我几乎想要结婚了......是几乎（想要结婚）。

stephanc10 hours ago
ENCYCLOPEDIA SET FOR SALE: No longer needed. Got married. Wife knows everything.

出售百科全书：不再需要此书。我结婚了。然而老婆无所不知啥都晓得。

gibbersinyergobbers14 hours ago
Marriage is more than a word...
It's a sentence.

婚姻用一个词说不尽.....
它是一个长句。（译注：这句双关语，“婚姻是无期徒刑。”）

KevinDebT13 hours ago
My hubby makes fun of me for making lists. So one day I made a list of all the ways I was going to kill him :)
I also tell him I keep a journal of him "threatening" me. That way when I die the police will charge him with my murder :)
4 kids 7 grandkids 32 years together. 
Ya gotta have fun.

我老公取笑我爱列清单的习惯。所以有天我列了个写着我会如何花式杀死他的清单。:)
我还告诉他我写了一篇关于他“威胁”我的日记。这样当我死的时候，警察会以他谋杀我的罪名指控他。:)
一起生活了32年，有4个孩子7个孙子女们。你一定要玩得开心才行。