你和中国妻子的婚姻为什么失败？（一） [美国媒体]

Why did your marriage with your Chinese wife not work out? (or not working out)

你和中国妻子的婚姻为什么失败（或者正面临这失败）？



Chinese New Year's is coming up. Many well intentioned laowai (possibly including me) will be meeting the parents of their SO.

中国新年快到了。很多的老外(可能包括我)会去见岳父母的。

I remember reading in this sub more than once that quite a high percentage of foreigner/Chinese marriages end up in divorce within the first few years.
Why did your marriage (or the marriage of someone you know) not work out?

记得在论坛里曾经不止一次看到，许多外国人与中国人的婚姻在最初几年以离婚告终。
为什么你的婚姻，或者你认识的人婚姻没有成功?

xiefeilaga
I just want to point out a few things here that people might be confused about:
in-laws can be shitty in our own home cultures as well. Go ahead. Name a culture that doesn't have in-law jokes.
people can be bad at communicating on a deep level, even across the same culture.
marriage is a lot of work on both sides, regardless of the combination of ethnicity, citizenship, gender or whatever.
The cultural divide can be tough, but sometimes it is just the obstacle a doomed couple happens to stumble upon, rather than the root cause.

在这里我想指出一些人们可能感到困惑事情:
在美国人的家庭文化中，姻亲关系也属于地位比较低从属关系。仔细想想世界上哪个文化没有关于姻亲的笑话。
即使在同一个文化背景下，人们也不善于进行深层次的交流。
婚姻对双方来说都是一项艰巨的任务，无论种族、国籍、性别，以及其他因素。
文化差异比较严重，但有时只是一对注定要分手的夫妇偶然遇到的问题，这不是根本原因。



butthenigotbetter
"Till death do us part" are definitely more of a formality than an actual oath people intend to keep at all cost.

“至死不渝”绝对只是一种形式，而非人们愿意不惜一切代价遵守的誓言。

mr-wiener
I think people used to die younger in those days.

我认为因为现在的人们年纪轻轻就去世了。

Lord-Uranus
Till the police do us apart. I tell this to all the girls in my rape dungeon every night

“直到警察把我们分开”，我是这么告诉地牢里的性奴的。

butthenigotbetter
Wow! You have a rape dungeon?
Do tell us where it is and when you'll be in.

卧槽，你地牢里还有性奴。
快告诉我在哪，你什么时候进去。



stiofan_io
Thank you for being able to think. Sadly this ability is uncommon.

非常感谢，你很善于思考。遗憾的是，这种能力现在已经非常罕见了。

nikatnight
Excellent statements.

说得好！

HotNatured
Where's the popcorn

哪里有爆米花

dontshitinmymilk
I'm a gay man from Texas and "married" to my boyfriend who is from Chengdu. We registered our partnership in Colombia, where we both work and live. Under Colombian law, this type of partnership is treated the same as any religious or heterosexual marriage. We're both easy-going, and haven't experienced much trouble to be honest. There might be some misunderstandings, some cultural differences, but we both realize that and move on despite them. If anything, the differences make our relationship that much more of a learning experience. As for in-laws, coming from families who don't approve of our orientation, we've pretty much ruled out ever including our families in our relationship.

我是来自德克萨斯州的男同性恋，和来自成都的男朋友“结婚”了。我们工作生活都在哥伦比亚，在哥伦比亚登记结婚了。根据哥伦比亚法律，同性伴侣关系与其他任何宗教婚姻或异性婚姻是一样的。我们两个都很随和，说实话，我们也没经历过太多的事。有时可能会有误解，有一些文化差异，但我们都能意识到这一点，很快和好如初。如果这有什么问题的话，那就是文化差异下我们的关系更像是一次学习经历。至于姻亲,双方家庭都不赞同我们,家庭关系几乎与我们的关系是绝缘的。



ting_bu_dong
I love this comment.

我喜欢这条评论。

WhereTheHotWaterAt
Update: they’ve been cooked, and one has been eaten. I hope this $1.98/pound crab promotion is over soon.
Jesus christ
Were they good at least

【更新:螃蟹已经全都被煮了，已经吃了一个了。我希望1.98美元/磅的螃蟹促销活动能尽快结束。】
老天爷呀！味道好吗？

FileError214
I guess so - I didn’t have any. Not a big fan of crab, and I’m not crazy about seafood in general. Plus, I don’t know how to cook it. But my wife is crazy about seafood (never had any until her 20s) and it’s pretty cheap at the Chinese supermarket, so she usually gets something from the seafood department.

应该还行吧，我是一口没吃。我不太喜欢螃蟹，我基本上不怎么喜欢海鲜。关键是我不知道怎么做。但是我妻子非常喜欢吃海鲜，她20多岁才开始吃海鲜，而且中国超市的海鲜非常便宜，所以她通常都是在超市海鲜部买。

aklbos
Married to a Taiwanese woman for 3 years, together for 7, and it is going pretty well. But I don't know if it's a "real" cross-cultural marriage since she lived in New Zealand for half her life and I'm from the US which is close to NZ culturally (please don't get triggered, Kiwis).

和一个台湾女人结婚3年，总共在一起7年了，一切都很顺利。但我不知道这是不是“真正的”跨文化婚姻，因为她在新西兰生活了半辈子，而我来自美国，在文化上接近新西兰。

So basically our marriage is just a culture clusterfuck.

基本上我们的婚姻就是文化杂交。



erotika_2
Why should people have to bother learning Chinese if they want to marry a Chinese person? They are marrying the wife not the in-laws. I want as little communication with them as possible.

想和中国人结婚，就要学习中文吗呢?娶的是老婆又不是她的家人。我想尽可能少与他们交流。

Deceptichum
In human culture, many people like their families.
So it helps to be on good relations with people they are.

人类文化中，很多人都喜欢中国的家庭。
和她们的家人保持良好的关系对婚姻有很大帮助。

MikeLaoShi
They are marrying the wife not the in-laws.
【娶的是老婆又不是她的家人】

One might hold that opinion based on accepted western cultural norms, but it's a whole other kettle of fish in Chinese culture.

这种观点是建立在接受西方文化规范基础上的，但在中国文化中，完全是另一回事。

If you marry a Chinese person you are becoming a part of their family. Even if you and your spouse communicate in English, you can't expect their family members to be able to do the same, and they will be a part of your life, for better or worse. You've a much higher likelihood of it being "for better" if you make the effort and at least try to learn Chinese.

如果和中国人结婚，你就成了他们家庭的一份子。你可以和配偶用英语交流，但是不要指望她的家人也能这样做，无论好坏他们都将成为你生活的一部分。如果你付出努力，至少努力学习中文，就有更大的可能变得“更好”。



Iralie
American?

美国人？

Basic conversational Chinese isn't that hard... you should be able to have simple polite conversation with people after a couple of years in China. If you've found a wife in less than that, you might need to reconsider what it is you're looking for and the culture you're marrying into with even the most westernised of Chinese people.

汉语基本会话并不难。在中国待几年，你应该能和人们进行简单寒暄。如果这样还找不到妻子，你可能需要重新考虑你在寻找什么，你可能就要找最西方化的中国人结婚了。

oldwaiguoren
The divorce rate in China jumped after laws were changed for women's rights in the early 2000s--I think it was in 2003.

二十一世纪初，中国修改了有关妇女权利的法律，那时中国离婚率猛增，好像是2003年。

Before then, they had to get the husband's permission, his parent's permission, his boss's permission, the neighborhood chief's permission. It was quite deplorable.

这部法律颁布之前，女性离婚必须得到丈夫，公公婆婆甚至包括丈夫老板和居委会的许可。这是相当可悲的。

EjaculatingMan
I am married to a Taiwanese woman. Our marriage isn't going well because she expects to me apologise to her on a daily basis for example because my family send her text messages in group chat asking how she is doing and this makes her stressed and I am supposed to apologise but the idea seems ridiculous to me. I am not responsible for the actions of my parents.

我和台湾女人结婚了。我们的婚姻并不顺利,因为她希望我每天都向她道歉，例如我的家人在群聊中问她怎么样,这让她感觉到压力，就要求我向她道歉，这简直是无理取闹嘛。我不对父母的行为负责。

Another problem is I have lots of female friends and she wants me to get rid of them. Of course I will not because I know them much longer.

另一个问题是我有很多女性朋友，她让我离她们远点。我肯定不会这么做，因为我和她们认识很久了。



EjaculatingMan
She constantly goes on about how much closer Taiwanese culture is to American culture(it isn't by the way) and how she always dreamed of going to America and that is why she learned English.

她一直说台湾文化和美国文化有多接近(其实根本就不是)，一直说自己多么梦想着去美国，这就是她学英语的原因。

Then we went to California. She hated it because there was a smell of cannabis everywhere and she never saw so many homeless people. There are much more drugs and homelessness in Los Angeles, Vegas, San Francisco than in Southern Germany.

后来我们去了加利福尼亚。她又说她讨厌加利福尼亚，那里到处都是大麻的味道，她从未见过这么多无家可归的人。洛杉矶、拉斯维加斯、旧金山的毒品和无家可归者比德国南部多得多。

Then a few months later she has the whole American fantasy again. I was listening to the oh Taiwanese fit much better into America because we are familiar with American culture since birth. I don't believe it at all.

几个月后，她又开始做美国梦了。成天就说“台湾人更适合美国，因为我们从出生起就熟悉美国文化。”我一点都不信。

Also it is not even an option for me. I am not from America or Canada. I am from another European country and I have a great well paying job working 35 hours per week with like 30 days annual leave and paid overtime. She also has a job here. Moving to the US will not solve our issues.

我不会选择区美国。我不是美国人，也不是加拿大人。我来自欧洲国家，有一份薪水很高的工作，每周工作35个小时，每年有30天的年假，还有加班费。她在这也有工作。迁往美国并不能解决我们的问题。

Deep_Fried_Foods
So how's that username working out for you?

你的用户名是什么意思？
译注：调侃层主的用户名“Ejaculating Man”：射精男

stiofan_io
She married you to get a green card for the US.
That's why she is so unhappy with you.
You should divorce her.

他是为了美国绿卡才嫁给你的。
这就是为什么她对你不高兴。
你应该和她离婚。



Another example is how girls make guys delete some specific contacts. Like in the west it’s pretty outrageous to make your boyfriend delete his female friends number, but that does happen in China and it’s not even frowned upon. This can be taken to the extreme where the girl even makes the guy delete all his female contacts. Now I know that’s extreme and is very rare, but it’s still acceptable.

再比如，女生是否让男生删除一些联系人。在西方，让男生删除女性朋友的号码，男生肯定会非常气愤，在中国呢男生连眉头都不会皱一下。更极端的，女生甚至会要求男生删除所有女性联系人。我知道这很极端也很罕见，不过对中国男生来说仍然可以接受。

Kopfballer
I don't think you can call this "cultural differences". It's just that western societies are a lot more mature than eastern who still follow traditions or habits from 100 years ago.

这不叫“文化差异”。只不过是西方社会比东方社会更成熟，而东方社会仍然在沿袭100年前的传统和习惯。

50 years ago it was "accepted" that women can't vote and stay at home to take care the 4 children 24/7. Things change... China right now i think is in some kind of transition phase where modern technology and ideas collide with backward traditions and behaviours. Just saying it is a different culture between west and east is too easy, more a cultural clash between modern times and the past.

50年前，社会认为女性不能投票，只能待在家里全天候照顾4个孩子。后来情况开始改变。中国现在正处于过渡阶段，现代技术和旧思想以及落后的传统和行为发生冲突。把这说成东西方文化不同就太草率了，这更像是现代与过去的文化冲突。

Cptcongcong
I see what you mean, but by definition of a "cultural clash between the ages", isn't that still a cultural difference...

我明白你的意思，但是根据年代文化冲突的定义，这难道不是文化差异吗？

PM-ME-YUAN
If there wasn't so much rampant cheating amongst guys in China, girls would probably be more chill.

如果中国男生中没有那么多猖獗的不忠行为，女生可能会更冷静。

Kopfballer
The ridiculous part is: Does it help them to find out?

最可笑的是:这能帮她们找到答案吗?



PM-ME-YUAN
Maybe they feel they can catch it before it happens.

也许，她们觉得能在丈夫不忠前抓到。

stiofan_io
They want proof.
They know he's cheating, and it's making them think they're going insane.
But with proof they know the problem isn't them.
I agree they are extremely tolerant of cheating.

她们想要证据。
她们知道丈夫在欺骗，这让她们感到抓狂。
但是，只要有证据，她们就知道自己没有问题。
中国女人确实对不忠极其宽容。

ShibaHook
Not all Chinese girls expect you to delete your female contacts or forbid you to speak with female friends. We shouldn't generalise.

并不是所有的中国女生都希望男生删除女性联系人，或者不准和女性朋友说话。我们不应该一概而论。

Cptcongcong
No yeah my bad I wasn't trying to generalize, should've been more specific.

嗯，是我的错，我不该一概而论，应该更具体。



Other issues aside, the insecure/anti-social, not wanting to meet family/friends, or you to have female friends sounds like it will become an even bigger issue over time.

别的先不说，没有安全感、反社会、不想见你的家人和朋友，不准你有女性朋友，随着时间的推移，以后这种问题会越来越严重。