有一个中国男朋友是一种怎样的体验？（二） [美国媒体]

How does it feel to have a Chinese boyfriend?

有一个中国男朋友是一种怎样的体验（系列二）？



Answered by Megan Cox（Born in Indiana；MIT grad； I’m either in Indiana or China, no in-between；Living in Shenzhen with my Chinese (Teochew) family）Written Oct 3

答案来自于 Megan Cox（出生于美国印第安纳州；麻省理工大学毕业；常居于印第安纳州或中国，非此即彼；和我的中国家庭（潮州人）住在深圳）写于2016年10月3日



Since there’s very few answers from awoman’s perspective about dating a Chinese guy, and I couldn’t find almostanything online 2 years ago when I was doing the online searching myself, I’lltry to fill an internet void by speaking from my experience dating a born +raised Chinese mainlander.

由于这个问题的答案中几乎没有任何人从女性视角看待与一个中国男人约会，而且我自己2年前在网上搜索时，几乎找不到任何关于这一类的话题，现在我尝试着通过讲述自己与一个生在中国、长在中国的大陆男人约会的经历，来填补网上关于这方面的空白。

To set the stage: My partner was bornand raised in Shenzhen (yes, he really was, we really are that young). He wentto highschool and college in China. He’s never had an H1B or other work visa;his first time leaving China was to come visit me in the states.

先交代一下背景：我的伴侣在深圳出生和长大，他在中国上的高中和大学，他没有任何H1B签证（译注：美国签证的一种，指：特殊专业人员/临时工作签证。H1B签证系美国最主要的工作签证类别，发放给美国公司雇佣的外国籍有专业技能的员工，属于非移民签证的一种）或者任何其他工作签证。他第一次离开中国还是为了去美国看望我。

About me: I grew up in thestates and went to college there. I’ve dated multiple guys from multiple racialbackgrounds, but all from the US. I started dating when I was young, and movedto China after college at 22.

关于我：我在美国长大，并且在这儿念的大学。我曾经和不同种族背景的多个男人约会过，但是全都是来自美国。我第一次约会时还很年轻，然后22岁时大学毕业去了中国。

How we met: We met in China. Inthe beginning, I was immediately drawn to his energy or aura, but he didn’tknow much English and I spoke only a few words of Chinese. We really didn’thave a chance in hell of getting together, but we kept seeing each other anywaybecause we liked each other.

我们是怎么相遇的：我们在中国相遇。第一次遇见他的时候，我很快就被他的气场和魅力所吸引，但是他懂的英语不多，我也只会说一些简单的中文。我们实在没什么比较好的在一起的机会，但是我们平时还是保持互相见面，因为我们互相有好感。

The first date - what I noticed: The first “date”was not a date at all; it was a “Chinese lesson”. He took me to dinner firstanyway, and taught me through it. He had brought me breakfast for the nextmorning, too. I was really weirded out (was he being presumptuous?)

第一次约会 - 我当时留意到的情景：第一次 “约会” 其实算不上约会，那是一次 “中文课” 。他不管三七二十一先带我去吃了饭，然后教我怎样通过课程。第二天早上，他又给我带了早餐。我当时真的很纳闷儿（他这么做是不是有些太冒昧了？）。

The second date - what I noticed: On the second“date” he arrived with a backpack full of goodies. They weren’t really gifts,per se… he brought a bunch of tissues, house shoes, mosquito killer, airfreshener, other small household items.. and again, breakfast.

第二次约会 - 我当时留意到的情景：第二次 “约会” 他背着满满一包各种各样的东西，不是什么正式的礼物，而是。。。一提卫生纸，室内便鞋，灭蚊器，空气清香剂，和其他各类小的日用品。。。然后再一次，给我带了早餐。

What. The. Fuck.

我勒个去。

Ok now I really had no idea what wasgoing on, but I accepted the gifts anyway.

好吧，现在我真的不知道接下来要发生些什么，但是不论怎样我还是接受了 “礼物”。

When I asked, he said “don’t think toomuch”. Uh… ok?

但我问他时，他对我说 “不要想多了” 。额。。。好吧？

I found out later that on the first datehe had looked around my house and noticed that I was missing a lot ofessentials, so he bought them and brought them over for me. This was his way ofshowing that he cared for me. By “don’t think too much” he meant, “don’t takeany larger meaning from this” or “don’t be offended”.

我后来发现，第一次约会时，他环顾了一下我的房间然后留意到我缺少一些生活必需品，所以他第二次来就买了这些东西带给我，这就是他向我表示关心的方式。通过 “不要想多了”，他想表达的意思是，“做这些没有其他意思” 或者 “不要觉得被冒犯了”

He didn’t think his family would acceptme, but eventually he bit the bullet and asked me to be his girlfriend, whichmeant he would have to slowly chip away at his family until they could acceptme, too. That process was faster than we thought it would be.

他不认为他的家人会接受我，但是最终他还是鼓起勇气向我表白了，这意味着，他还不得不慢慢地一点点地说服他的家人，直到他们最终接受我。好在这个过程比我们一开始想象的要快很多。

What does it feel like to have a Chineseboyfriend, you ask?

你问，有一个中国男朋友是一种怎样的体验？

I’ll break it down the best I can.

我会尽我最大的努力来阐述它。

It’s a breath of fresh air. He takes care of my basic needsalmost reflexively. He’s always got tissues in his pocket, stocks the housewith necessities, does the laundry, cooks for me or brings me home small foodor gifts. He’s always surprising me and thinking of my needs first. As apartner, he’s so selfless. And guess what? He takes care of my family’s needs,too. He was the biggest helper to my family this entire summer while we were inthe states. They would offer to pay him daily and he would say “some things youreally cannot accept payment for” Needless to say, they’re in love with himtoo.

它让人耳目一新。他会几乎条件反射地照顾我的日常需求。他总是在口袋里放有纸巾，家里总是备好各种必需品，会洗衣服，会为我做饭，或者回家时为我带一些小零食或小礼物。他总是让我有惊喜，会事先考虑到我的需要。作为一个伴侣，他总是那样无私。而且你猜怎么着？他还会照顾到我的家人的需求，当我们在美国时，他是整个夏天里我们家最大的帮手。我的家人想每天给他一些报酬，但是他会说“有些事情你真的不能用钱去衡量”。不用说，我的家人也都非常喜欢他。

It’s an adventure. I never stop learning from my partner. Ilove living in another country, and the challenges that come with learning andunderstanding the culture and language. He’s taken me to visit his grandparentsin both hometowns. His parents only speak Teochew well, so they’ve resorted tojust teaching it to me (how cool is that?!). There’s plenty of entrepreneurialopportunities in China, and at the intersectionality of western and easternculture. We think about and discuss these opportunities together… I think we’reabout ready to jump into our second one.

它是一场冒险。我从没有停止过向我的伴侣学习。我喜欢生活在另一个国家的感觉，喜欢学习和理解不同文化和语言带来的挑战。他带我去他的家乡看望他的爷爷奶奶，他的父母只有潮州话说得好，所以他的家人想了好多办法来教我说潮州话（是不是很酷啊？！）。中国有很多创业的机会，东西方文化在这里交汇。我们聚在一起思考和讨论这些机会。。。我想我们已经准备好迈入下一个征程。

It’s a new perspective on life. I reallyappreciate some of the life and health philosophies of eastern culture; I wouldhave never been exposed to them and forced to live some of these philosophieswithout my partner. He’s taught me to take better care of my health, taught meto love more, live better and be a better life partner. I used to roll my eyeswhen he’d say “smile everyday!” but now, no. There’s some sense to it all. He’sreally turned around my outlook on life, happiness, family, wellness.. you know- all the important things.

它给生活提供了一个崭新的视角。我真的很感谢东方文化中的某些生活和健康的理念，如果不是因为我的伴侣，我这辈子也没机会接触到它们，并且接受这些理念来指引生活。他教会了我照顾好自己的健康，教会了我更多的去爱，更好的去生活，成为一个更好的人生伴侣。以前每当他对我说“微笑每一天”，我还会对他翻白眼，但是现在，我再也不会这么做了。这一切都是那么的有意义。他转变了我的许多观念，关于人生，关于幸福，关于家庭，关于健康，关于。。。你所知道的----一切重要的事情。

It’s frustrating. His family took over a year to acceptme, and during that time we were secretly dating even though we lived together.His Chinese passport limits where we can go together on vacation, or at all.We’re always worried he’ll get turned away at the US border (he was detainedfor 4 hours last time). Wages in China are shit compared to the US, so he’sforced to be an entrepreneur or get his English to a high enough standard toget hired in the US. Language and cultural barriers still get in the way of uscommunicating fully. We can’t always understand the other one. My familydoesn’t quite “get” him, and that’s going to take a while, but they really likehim all the same. I’m just not sure yet if they accept him as marriagematerial.

它让人沮丧。他的家人花了一年的时间才接受我，在那段时间里，我们之间的约会一直是在偷偷地进行，哪怕实际上我们已经住在一起了。他的中国护照限制了我们能够一起去哪些地方度假，或者根本就没办法去。我们总是担心他会在入境美国海关时被遣返（他上一次入境时被海关拘留了4个小时）。在中国工作的工资和在美国比起来差太远了，所以为了能在美国找到工作，他被迫去创业，或者努力去提高英语水平。语言和文化障碍一直阻碍着我们之间进行充分的交流，我们之间尚且经常无法完全理解对方的意思，我的家人就更加难以理解他的意思。这种状况持续了很长一段时间，但是我的家人自始至终都挺喜欢他的，我暂时还不是很确定他们是不是能够接受他作为我的结婚对象。

It’s heartbreaking. Sometimes those communication barriersare much higher than they should be, and we have fights that would’ve neverhappened had we spoken the same native language or been from the same culture.Sometimes the fights are aggravated by the instability that living in twodifferent countries causes. I’m an entrepreneur in the US with physical goodsin the US. He’s an entrepreneur in China. We have to go back and forth to betogether and keep our jobs. That costs a lot of money and causes a lot offrustration. We don’t have the stability that some of our friends and familyhave. We hope that the US can accept our petition to marry and give us a K-1visa. Our biggest worries always have to do with the US and visas, I swear.

它让人心碎。有时候我们之间的交流障碍高的难以逾越，我有时候想，假如我们说着同样的母语，或者来自同样的文化背景，那么我们之间的很多争吵根本就不会发生。有时候争吵升级也是因为我们两国分居的不稳定导致的，我是一个在美国有着实体资产的商人，他是一个在中国的商人，我们必须在两国之间来回跑，既想能聚在一起，又要照顾到双方的工作。这花费了我们大量的钱，而且造成了我们巨大的困扰。我们没有某些我们家庭或朋友们有的那种稳定性。我们希望美国政府能够批准我们的结婚申请，发放给我们K-1 签证（译注：K1签证（即结婚签证）的签发对象：须赴美国与美国公民结婚的外国人）。我们最大的担忧就是总是不得不与美国政府和签证周旋，我发誓。

It’s definitely worth it. In the end, we all just want someoneto love and care about us. Yes, we face a lot of obstacles, and sometimes weeven put those obstacles between ourselves. But I’ve never felt more loved, appreciated,supported, or taken care of than I have in this relationship. A lot of that iscultural, some of it is just him. In any case, my entire outlook on what arelationship should be has changed because of him.

它绝对值得你拥有。最后我想说，我们俩都希望有人爱自己和关心自己。是的，我们面临许多障碍，而且甚至有时候我们双方之间也会产生隔阂。但是我从来没有感受过像我现在这段关系中感受到的，这么样多的被宠爱，被欣赏，被支持，被照顾。之所以有这样的感觉，我想大部分原因是因为中国文化，也有一部分原因只是因为他这个人。无论怎样，因为他，我对一段感情应该是怎样的观念完全被改变了。

If you wanted to know what it’s like versus a western boyfriend? Well,sometimes my Chinese boyfriend still acts like a kid, but at least he’s a verythoughtful, selfless kid. I can’t say the same for previous dating experiences.

如果你想问中国男朋友和西方男朋友比起来有什么不一样？这样说吧，有时候我的中国男朋友会表现得还像个小孩子，但是至少他是一个非常体贴的，无私的孩子。我想说这是和我以前的约会经历完全不一样的感受。


Don Tan
Greatanswer Megan!
Well,I’m from south-east Asia and currently spending a year abroad (both interningand studying) in Stockholm. I must say that the girls here aren’t one bit asopen-minded as you are. I’ve tried talking to quite a few of them, but the factthat I’m not their typical ‘swedish guy’ just does not help in any way. You cansee the way they look/ talk to you, it’s really just different. Sometimes, it’snot so much as finding a partner, but simply making local friends… I’ve hadother friends (both Asians/whites who face the same issue as well)
Iwonder what goes on in their minds when we try to talk to them… are they putoff by the fact that we do not speak Swedish? or are they ‘inherently’ racist?…

精彩的回答，Megan!
是这样的，我来自东南亚国家，现在在斯德哥尔摩留学一年（边上学边实习）。我必须说这儿的女孩们一点都不像你这样拥有开放的心态。我曾经尝试和她们中的一些人交谈，但是事实上，我不是她们眼中典型的 “瑞典男孩” ，所以做什么都是徒劳 。你可以很明显地看到她们看你或者和你交谈的方式，真的很不一样。有时候，你并不是想要去找一个女朋友，而只是单纯地想交一个当地的朋友。。。我有许多其他朋友（都是亚裔）都面临同样的问题。
我想知道当我们试图和她们交谈时，他们心里在想些什么。。。她们很冷淡是因为我们不会说瑞典语吗？或者说他们 “天生的” 就是种族主义者？

Megan Cox（答主）回复 Don Tan
Whoknows, really. Could be all of the above. Sometimes people assume that you’reso culturally different that you just won’t “get” each other, sofriends/partners/or whatever else.. why try?
Ihave a ton of friends from the US who say they just “don’t find Asian guysattractive”. To be honest, I never really gave Asian guys a thought until Imoved to China—mostly because there weren’t any where I grew up and in collegethere was a pretty solid line between social groups—we just liked to dodifferent things for the most part (that’s probably exacerbated by the factthat MIT is insanely nerdy).

实际上，谁知道呢，也许你以上说的都是其中的原因。有时候人们先入为主地假定你在文化上和他们如此不同，所以你根本就无法和他们相互之间理解，更不用说交朋友/谈恋爱/或者发展其他的关系。。那么他们就会想：我为什么要尝试呢？我有许多美国朋友她们就说，她们就是“无法发现亚裔男人有吸引力”。坦白地说，在来中国之前，亚裔男人从来没有在我的择偶考虑范围之内-----大部分原因是因为，我从小到大，周围很少有亚裔男人；到了我上大学，发现各个社团之间有着牢固的界限----我们只是在大多数情况下不喜欢改变（也许麻省理工大学这个无可救药的书呆子式的学校，加剧了这一状况）。

Abouta month into my trip to China I was like “WHOA there’s some seriously hot guyshere.” Don’t know what it was, but it was like a light switched on for me.Maybe it was just getting used to the new environment and expanding my view ofwhat attractiveness was.
I’dsay just keep going and keep trying. A lot of people are closed-minded and justthink of attractiveness / look for mates within their own in-group, withoutgiving anyone else a thought..ever. Don’t let it get you down! You willeventually find someone who is open-minded or at least culturally adventurous.I am an insanely curious person, so I always had a gut feeling that I would dateoutside of my own small-town American culture. I’m not the only one.

大约一个月的中国之旅给我的感觉就好像是 “哇，原来这儿有这么多超级火辣的男人” 。不知道该怎么说，但是那好像是对我的人生一次明显的转变。也许只是逐渐习惯了新环境，慢慢扩展了我对什么是吸引力/魅力的看法。
我想说，你只需要继续坚持行动和尝试。许多人思想比较保守，对配偶的魅力或相貌的选择仅限于本群体之内，从来不在其他群体中间考虑。不要对这一点失望，你总会找到一个思想开放的或者至少愿意为你在文化上冒险的那个人。我是一个极度有好奇心的人，所以我一直有一种直觉，觉得我会和一个不同于我自己的美国小镇文化背景的人约会，并非仅有我一个人这么想。

Woody Wong
Wellsaid. I'm very positively read your answer. I'm Chinese anyway, but allow me toask a bit more questions from you, what's the differences between write girlsand Chinese girls? I like westerners’ independent lifestyle, totally agree. Notlike most of Chinese girls are more like so needy. And how to talk with foreigngirls? Like how to start to peach? A huge difference need to be understandbefore I go to date a foreign girl.

好答案。我是一个中国人，我想问你一个问题，西方女孩和中国女孩有什么不同？我喜欢西方女孩的独立范儿，不喜欢大多数中国女孩，她们有些拜金主义。我想知道怎样和一个外国女孩交谈？比如如何说开场白？我觉得在我和一个外国女孩约会之前，我还有很多差异想要了解。（译注：这哥们儿英语堪忧，译者只能翻译大致意思）

Megan Cox（答主）回复 Woody Wong
Hahawell I can’t say that I fully understand Chinese culture yet (even in 2 years)so I can’t give the best answer to the differences between the two. Some thingsI can tell you NOT to do, based on others failures or bizarre behavior I’veobserved (mostly) in China, so that you don’t make the same mistake:

哈哈，好吧，我还不能说我完全了解中国文化（我来中国才2年），所以我无法给出关于这两者之间差异的最合适的答案。我能告诉你的是，你最好不要做那些事，基于我在（大部分在）中国观察到的其他人失败的或者奇怪的行为。这样你就可以避免犯这些错误。

Don’tbe too pushy or bossy to western girls; yes, we like our independence and youtelling us what to do is a no-no, especially given the current feministconversation in most western cultures
Don’ttell us to exercise or say that we are fat.. even a little. ever. Just don’t.

不要在西方女孩面前太爱出风头，或者太霸道；我们喜欢独立，而你却总是告诉我们该怎么做，做什么是不对的。尤其是要考虑到目前在大多数西方文化中的女权主义因素。不要告诉我们说，你该去锻炼了，或者说你太胖了。。。哪怕一个字也不要说。

Askgenuine questions and let her lead the conversation. She might be a bit icy orreserved at first, but there’s no bigger turn off than a guy who thinks heknows everything or thinks he’s very interesting. Just be natural.

对女孩问一个真诚的问题，然后让她来引导话题。她一开始可能会有一点冷漠或者有所保留，但是如果一个男孩认为自己无所不知，或者自认为自己魅力无限，那么想让她态度转变就基本上就没什么希望了。表现得自然一点。

Ifyou have a wife or girlfriend already, don’t even bother talking to us unlessyou truly just want to be friends. I see this kind of disgusting behavior allthe time.

如果你已经有女朋友或妻子了，就不要来沾花惹草了，哪怕聊几句天也不要，除非你真的只是想交个普通朋友。我经常看见这一类讨厌的行为。

That’sabout all I can say! Just be natural, be yourself. :) If she likes you, itshould be for you.

这些大概就是我能想到的。表现得自然一点，做你自己。:) 如果她喜欢你，那么她就是你的。

C. Michel de Wilde
that’smust be a non-standard chinese boyfriend. I haven’t seen so many guys are thatnice to their girlfriends (western / chinese)

这一定不是常规意义上的中国男朋友。我从来没见过这么多对女朋友像这样好的男人（无论是中国男人还是西方男人）。

HAO X 回复 C. Michel de Wilde
Tobe honest,it's normal in China.

诚实地说，这在中国很正常。

David Yu
Despitethe cultural differences, I believe your Chinese boyfriend will be a good lifepartner . Best wishes!

尽管文化上有差异，我相信你的中国男友会是一个好的人生伴侣。祝福你！

Megan Cox（答主）回复 David Yu
Thankyou! :)

谢谢! :)

Niuniu
“don’t think too much” hhh,It’s really funny. And those ‘gifts’ aresoooo special, I mean, normally boys may send flowers , chocolates or otherpopular gifts for chasing after girls to their dates. I’m a Chinese, asingleton too. I’m planning to study aboard for several years. I’m wondering ifI can meet a foreign Mr. right aboard. If I’m lucky enough to meet one, I hopeI could have the brave to overcome the cultural barrier just like you. Bestwishes for you

“不要想多了” 哈哈哈，好搞笑。那些 “礼物” 简直是太太太特别了，我的意思是说，正常的男孩子约会时可能会送花，巧克力，或者其他流行的礼物来追女孩。我是一个中国人，同时也是一个单身狗。我计划出国留学几年，我不知道是否能在国外遇到一个外国真命天子。如果有幸遇到一个，我希望我可以像你那样有足够的勇气去克服文化上的障碍。祝你幸福！

Megan Cox（答主）回复 Niuniu
Youcan do it! :) follow your gut.
andyeah I know.. he's very pragmatic. I didn't get flowers until Qixi, and thenthey were fake flowers. He said “real flowers die in a few days but these lastforever”. Can I get an eye roll?? He’s gotten better over time, and myengagement ring is gorgeous. No complaints from me :)

你可以做到！追随你的内心。
其实。。。我男朋友他非常的实用主义。除了七夕，我还从来没有收到过他送的花，哪怕是在七夕，他送的花还是假花。他说 “真花几天就死掉了，但是假花可以永不凋零”，我能翻白眼吗？？？不过随着时间推移，他现在变得好点儿了，他送给我的订婚戒指就很豪华。我现在再也没有抱怨了:)