印度女孩：父母拒绝跨种姓婚姻，我该怎么办

I am 29 year old India girl in relationship with a guy from different caste. My parents keep rejecting the guy with baseless reasons. I feel fed up to even live. What should I do?

我是一29岁的印度女孩，在和一个不同种姓的男人交往，我父母一直拒绝我的男友。为此我甚至厌倦了生活，我该怎么办?

印度婚礼，资料图

Quora评论翻译：

Michele Scales, BS Social Sciences/Psychology, Artist, Writer, Inventor

You’re old enough to have life experience. You probably know in your heart that some systems are toxic. Meant to control and manipulate. Some are liberating, and empowering. Which do you want to live by?

像你这么大的年纪，应该有生活阅历了，懂得明辨是非，明白有些制度是有害的，只代表了控制和操纵，有些制度代表解放和赋予权利。你想在哪种制度下生活?

You can't change other people. At best you can coexist in peace. But that does not happen often. Usually there is at least one person determined to herd you like livestock, keep you in your place, bring you down. Beware of that person. They will suck the life right out of you. Avoid them until you have impowered yourself with freedom and choice.

你不能改变别人，充其量只能和平共处，但这种情况并不经常发生。总有一个人会像赶牲口一样对你，让你呆在原地，让你倒下。当心那个人，他会吸干你的生命。在你赋予自己自由和选择的权利之前，避开这些人。

You should get to know yourself better than anyone? Learn to chose what's best for you. People come and go (including your guy friends). Who is left will always be you.

你应该比任何人都更了解自己，学会选择最适合你的。很多人终是过客(包括你的男朋友)，最终留在你身边的才属于你。

Look at all the facts objectively. Decide what you agree with because you could leave one messed up “system” for another. Raise your standards based on you and not the “caste” system. You are not an object to be used for others to have pride in or for others to be pulled up with. You are a person with a soul.

客观地看待所有的事实，再做决定。按照你自己的标准，而不是“种姓”制度来选择配偶。你不是一个供他人利用的对象，也不是一个让别人炫耀的对象。你是一个有灵魂的人。

Guard your heart, it is the source of your soul! Are you safe either way? That should be your priority: getting to a safe place. I mean mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. Get practice honoring and respecting yourself. Put distance between yourself and unhealthy relationships of all types.

守护你的心灵，它是你灵魂的源泉!你有安全感吗?这应该是你的优先要考虑的事:找到一个让你有安全感的人，我的意思是在精神上、身体上、情感上等有安全感的人。与各种不健康的关系保持距离。

When you run into road blocks don't try to fight alone. It will wear you down and make you depressed. Sometimes it's better to walk away from people and situations that are bad for you. Have faith in yourself!

当你遇到阻碍时，不要独自战斗，它会使你疲惫，使你沮丧。有时候最好远离对你有害的人和事。要相信你自己!

About being 29. You're now living the best years of your life! Don't waste them. Make your dreams and then make them a reality! Don't be pressured by societies norms. Make your own norms.

你才29岁，还处于一生中最美好的时光，不要虚度。要有自己的梦想，并让它成为现实!不要屈从于社会规范的压力，要制定自己的标准。

 

Harshada Pathare

Sometimes, we really need to wonder that how come such problems still exist in our society. To solve such a type of problem actually needs lot of emotional energy.

It is good to solve these type of problems with good emotional and rational ways then extending the differences.

1.) You need to ensure that your parents are not hurt or feel sad or think that due to the guy you are constantly arguing with them.

2.) First, give them the assurance that you love them, (I donot know if you are the only daughter of the family), you own your responsibility and are mature to take your decisions. If possible, take support from your close relatives / siblings/ friends in convincing them.

3.) Knowing the change in their attitude, ask them to meet the guy for some months and try showing them the good aspects in him.

4.) Also, make an attempt to get to know the guy more than you him.

5.) You need to balance more relationship - parental and with the guy harmoniously.

6.) Stay strong and be positive. Positivity and happiness can bring the change and be good tool in this period of test.

我们真的需要思考为什么这样的问题仍然存在于我们的印度社会。解决这类问题实际上需要大量的情感能量。

用理性的方式解决这类问题：

• 你需要确保你的父母没有受伤，没有难过，没有因为你经常和他们吵架而觉得难过。
• 首先，向他们保证你爱他们(我不知道你是不是家里的独生女)，你有自己的责任，能成熟地做决定。如果可能的话，让你的近亲/兄弟姐妹/朋友来说服他们。
• 他们的态度改变后，让他们和你的男友相处几个月，试着向他们展示他好的一面。
• 同时，让他们试着多了解你的男友。
• 你需要平衡更多的关系——和父母之间的关系，以及与男友和谐相处的关系。
• 保持坚强和乐观，积极和快乐可以带来改变。

 

Lisa Beccia, divorced, and alone for a reason

I’m not Indian, and I live in the USA, but I believe that our own experiences with interracial relationships has a correlation to what you’re experiencing now with inter-caste prejudice.

I believe that the restrictions on the caste-based society your parents grew up in are coloring their perceptions of how well you as a couple will be accepted in today’s society. Perhaps they don’t see the difference in how the world is today compared to when they grew up.

Then again, they also have a perspective that you can’t appreciate yet, since it’s based on experience. You must make your own choices, but you have the luxury of their experience.

我不是印度人，我生活在美国，但是我相信我们这的的跨种族关系经历和你们现在所经历的跨种姓偏见是有某种关联的。

我相信，在你父母成长的以种姓为基础的社会中，对婚姻的种种限制，正影响着他们对你们作为一对夫妇在当今社会中被接受程度的看法。也许他们看不出今天的世界和他们小时候的世界有什么不同。

然而，他们也有一个你无法领会的视角，这是基于生活经历的。你必须做出自己的选择，他们的丰富经验可以给你提供参考。

 

Kalpak Nikumbh, works at Pune, Maharashtra, India

You need to handle your ‘getting fed up.’ First, handle your own frustration. Be really clear of why you want to marry your boyfriend. I hope you know each other, or have been in a relationship long enough.

你需要处理好你的“厌倦生活”的心态。首先，调整好自己的挫折感。明确你为什么要和男朋友结婚。我希望你们彼此了解，或者你们交往的时间已经足够长了。

My friend had a similar problem — inter-religion situation. Both she and her boyfriend left to go the USA for work / MBA. She refused to come to India during holidays until her parents gave their consent for her wedding with her boyfriend. She actually did not come home from the US for 5 years! When her parents wanted to travel to the US to visit her, she sent invitation letters for her parents Visa for only two week-long visits or even less!

It was bad, but she stood her ground. Adamant as a rock.

我的朋友也遇到类似的问题——跨宗教的情况。她和男友都去了美国工作/读MBA。她在假期都不回印度，除非她的父母同意她和男朋友举行婚礼。她已经有5年没有从美国回来了!当她的父母想去美国看望她时，她只给父母发了两周甚至更短时间的签证邀请函!情况很糟，但她坚持自己的立场，像石头一样坚硬。

Okay, now the other side of the story.

How are you sure you will have a happy life after marrying your boyfriend?

换个角度来看，你怎么确定你和男朋友结婚后会过上幸福的生活?

While I gave you one example as above, I know more cases where marrying the boyfriend against the parents’ wishes isn’t all rosy. The girls feel trapped because they burnt bridges with their parents and married their boyfriends, and now they feel guilty about sharing their troubles with their in-laws with their parents. Their logic is, “I fought with my parents for this life, and now if I am not completely happy here, I cannot ask for my parents’ support.” The relationship with their now-husband is now coloured with life with the other in-laws. So, frustration in any case.

虽然我给你举了上面这个例子，但我知道在更多的情况下，违背父母的意愿和男朋友结婚并不都是美好的。女方会感觉陷入困境，因为她们为了嫁给男友和父母断绝了关系，然而和自己的公婆相处不愉快又不敢去找父母倾诉。他们的逻辑是，“为了嫁到这里，我和父母闹翻了，现在如果我在这里过得不开心，我也不能去找父母寻求安慰。她们与丈夫的关系将被其他姻亲所影响。所以，无论如何，都会感到沮丧。

Of course, you cannot know all the answers to how life will be.

The only thing you have to be sure of is whether the two of you want to live with each other through thick and thin.

当然，你不可能知道生活的全部答案。你唯一需要确定的是你们俩是否愿意同甘共苦。

 

Marythe SA

If I was:

29 years old

I loved my parents

I love a person that they reject only due to a difference in caste/wealth/money issue (materialism)

*I would do this (but this is just what I would do, I do not recommend anything to anyone. This is just my personal opinion on the matter if I was put in such hypotethical situation:

如果换做是我，我爱我的父母，但我也爱男友，我的父母因为种姓/财富/金钱问题(物质主义)而拒绝他的话，我会这么做：（这只是我的个人观点，不作任何建议）

I would work hard, save some money for few months of living expenses also for traveling tickets etc…

我会努力工作，存下几个月的生活费，还有买车票的钱等等。

I would tell my parents clearly that I love them, and that I will leave the country in order to create a life where money issues will not decide whom I shall love and share my life with, that life is too short to let money rule my chance of finding happiness. I will work hard to become stable and I will come visit when possible. That no matter what the neighbors and “friends” say : Remember that I do love you.

我会告诉我的父母,我爱他们,但我将离开这个国家,去过我想过的生活，金钱问题不能决定我该爱谁，和谁一起生活，因为生命太短暂，不能让金钱主宰我的幸福。我会努力让自己变得稳定下来，有机会的话会回去看他们。无论邻居和“朋友”们怎么说:请记住，我爱你们。

I would leave my country (with the person I love; of course only if that person also wishes to leave with me to create a life together).

我会和我爱的人离开我的国家（只要那个人也愿意离开，和我一起创造新生活)。

Why leaving instead of staying and fighting your parents and society for decades?

为什么我会选择离开而不是留下来与父母和社会斗争几十年?

Simple: A society can change overtime, yes… but it might take waaay too much time and effort and suffering to do so. Why fighting hundreds of thousands of people if you have the option to go somewhere else where your lifestyle is accepted (this is assuming that you do have the right and ability to move to another country and start over again).

原因很简单:一个社会可能随着时间的推移而改变，但这可能需要很长的时间、需要付出很多的精力，经历很大的痛苦。如果你可以选择去一个你的生活方式被接受的地方(前提是你有权利和能力去另一个国家重新开始生活)，为什么要和成千上万的人战斗呢。

I believe every society has the heroes that fight against bad rules to change them, yes… I agree and admire them all. BUT if YOU feel “fed up to even live” (as you stated in your question) maybe fighting is not what you are looking for and maybe some peace and acceptance is what you need.

我相信每个社会都有英雄来打破陈规陋习，我钦佩他们。但是如果你觉得“厌倦了生活”，也许你已经不想抗争了，你需要的是平静接受现实。

 

Jeff Johnson, BA Linguistics & East Asian Studies, University of California, Santa Cruz (2000)

Get a job in IT because it's new it pulls you out of the Caste system and leave India. Go somewhere where there isn't Caste social status. And somewhere where foreigners are more welcome.

找份IT方面的工作，新工作会把你从种姓制度中拉出来，离开印度。去一个没有种姓制度的地方生活，在那里外国人更受欢迎。

 

Diana M. Schmitz, studied Creative Writing

Move to America and marry him.

一起去美国，在那和他结婚。

 

Shyam Parengattil Nair, works at Zee Learn

If you are sure that he will be there with you all the time and If he is settled atleast you both can survive without starving then go ahead and marry him. Parents can be convinced later. You can also ask your boyfriends family to speak to your family.

如果你确信他会一直和你在一起，并且他收入稳定，能养活你们两个，那就嫁给他吧。以后再说服你的父母。你也可以让你男朋友的家人和你的家人谈谈。

 

Lucy Pulver, BS from Wellesley College (1900)

I do understand how different India is from the US where I live (I try to anyway), but I am in favor of leaving your parents for the man. It is my belief that eventually your parents will accept him. Sometimes all it takes is the first baby, if you plan to have children. Your parents are being UNFAIR to you. Totally. If they are so traditional, why haven’t they helped find a suitable husband all these years? They may just want to keep you home forever.

Different religions are easier to understand than different castes, and I am sure that the caste system will mostly disappear within this generation or the next, or at least lose a lot of relevance.

我了解印度和美国有很大的不同(我也试着去理解)，但是我支持离开你的父母去找那个男人。我相信你父母最终会接受他的。如果你想要孩子，有时候生个孩子问题就解决了。你的父母对你不公平。如果他们这么传统，为什么这么多年都没帮你找到一个合适的丈夫呢?他们可能只是想让你永远呆在家里。

不同的宗教比不同的种姓更容易理解，我相信种姓制度将在这一代人或下一代人中消失，或至少没那么和一切都息息相关