为什么中国剩女越来越多？ [联合国媒体]

How a growing number of Chinese women are shunning societal pressures to marry – and the labels attached to them.

中国剩女越来越多，她们是如何逃避逼婚的压力，以及剩女这个标签的。



Katrina Yu | 29 Oct 2015 16:38 GMT | Human Rights, Women, China
Zhang Lin has been living in Beijing for 11 years. But her father has never visited her in that time. He says that as she doesn't have a husband and child, there's no point. [Katrina Yu/Al Jazeera]

张琳在北京住了11年。但是她父亲从来没来看过她。张爸爸说女儿没有嫁人生孩子，去看她没意义。

BEIJING - Zhang Lin waits in a noisy restaurant outside the university where she has taught for more than 10 years.

北京-张琳等在自己执教10多年的大学旁边的一家吵闹的餐馆里。

"I'm sorry I've started already; I haven't had a chance to eat all day," she says.

“抱歉我先吃了。我今天一天都没时间吃饭。”她说。

Surrounded by noisy groups of older men and rowdy students she sits alone in a flowing white dress, her wavy air tumbling over her shoulders as she eats. She is 38, but could pass for a student. 

周围是一群群吵闹的老人和学生，只有她白裙飘飘，长发披肩。张38岁，但是看上去年轻得像个学生。

Between bites, she explains that she's from the country's south, and although she has lived in Beijing for 11 years her father has never visited her.

她一边吃，一边说她来自中国南方，虽然在北京呆了11年，但是她父亲从来没看过她。

"Among their four children, I'm the only one who's not married. He says because I don't have a family he has no reason to come here," she says, her tone momentarily subdued. 

“家里4个孩子中，我是唯一没结婚的。我父亲说因为我没有成家，他没理由来北京看我。”她的声音有一瞬低了下去。

"My mother came once, three years ago. But it was a disaster, a complete disaster," she adds. 

“我妈妈三年前来过一次。但那是一场灾难，一场完全的灾难。”

Zhang was raised in a small city in what she describes as a very traditional family.

张在一个小城市里长大，她说自己的家庭非常传统。

"My mother especially, she's always worrying about me being single. My parent's generation are always on stand-by to sacrifice themselves for their children. One day she called me and said she would visit for the summer to help me find a husband." 

“我妈妈尤其传统，她总担心我的单身状态。我父母那一代人时刻准备着为了子女而牺牲奉献。有一天她打电话我，说要在夏天过来看我，帮我找个老公。”

Zhang's mother had read an article about Beijing's 'marriage markets,' where parents of single children would gather at the city's Zhongshan Park, in the hope of matching their child with the offspring of another desperate parent. 

张妈妈看了一篇有关北京“婚姻市场”的文章，其中描述单身孩子的父母会聚在中山公园，希望能碰上另一个迫切的单身孩子的父母，然后把孩子凑作对。



In a Beijing park, the parents of unmarried women and men gather in the hope of finding a spouse for their offspring. [Katrina Yu/Al Jazeera] 

北京的一个公园里，未婚男女的父母们聚在一起，希望能给自己的孩子找到伴儿。

Twice a week groups of about 30 to 60 parents meet in the same spot, each carrying pieces of paper containing information about their child - their job, level of education and salary, as well as their physical attributes. 

30-60人的父母团在相同的地点每两周聚一次，每个人都带着写有子女信息的纸板，包括他们的工作、教育水平、工资、体貌特征。

"When the markets started it was just for parents. But these days, you see more and more single children are dragged along with them. It’s like a fair for parents and their 'leftovers,' mostly women," sighs Zhang, who admits to having helped start the trend.

“一开始婚姻市场只有父母参加。但是现在，越来越多的孩子被他们拖去。这就像父母和他们剩下的孩子，大部分是剩女的展销会。”张叹气道。她承认她也被拖去过。

Out of duty, she reluctantly accompanied her mother to the market twice a week, standing silently beside her for more than an hour at a time. "I felt I couldn’t refuse, but doing it made me feel everything bad you could possibly feel; humiliated, depressed, furious. I felt like such a loser, standing there to sell myself."

出于义务，她百般不情愿的陪张妈妈每周去两次婚姻市场，每次都沉默的在张妈妈身边站上一个多小时。“我觉得我不能不去，但是我又感觉糟糕透了。羞辱、压抑、恼怒。我感觉自己像个失败者，站在那里，试图出售自己。”

Labelled

被贴标签

The term 'Leftover Woman' was first coined in a report by the Chinese Women's Federation in 2007 to describe young females in their late 20s who had not yet married.

“剩女”一词最早是在2007年妇联在一份报告里发明出来的，用来描述20多岁接近30的未婚年轻女性。

The phrase quickly gained momentum, finding its place among popular colloquial terms such as 'Gaofushuai' (a rich, tall and handsome male) and 'Baifumei' (a pale-skinned, wealthy young woman). 

这个词迅速走红，跻身流行词汇之列，比如“高富帅”（有钱，个高，英俊的男人）和“白富美”（肤白，有钱，年轻的女人）

But while the label is relatively new, its message isn't.

虽然标签很新，但是含义很旧。

China's foremost ancient thinker, Confucius, wrote "the Chinese girl was brought up, then as now, with matrimony in view as her goal" and "the woman follows the man. In her youth she follows her father and elder brother; when married, she follows her husband; when her husband is dead, she follows her son."

中国最了不起的古代哲人，孔子曾说“中国女人生来就是为了嫁人的”还说“女人应三从四德。未嫁从父，既嫁从夫，夫死从子。”

According to these tenets, marriage in China had less to do with romantic love, and more with filial duty and societal stability.

根据这些原则，在中国，结婚跟浪漫的爱情没啥太大关系，而更多的是跟孝顺和社会安定有关。

Hundreds of years later, China has modernised, and women, according to Mao, "hold up half the sky", but most still face harsh judgments for remaining unmarried past a certain age. 

孔子之后两千多年，中国现代化了，按照毛的说法，妇女“撑起半边天”，但是大多数超过一定年龄还没结婚的女人仍受到苛刻的评判。

"There's a sense of failure. People would just assume that there must be a problem with you. That it's your fault," says Zhang. 

“你会有种失败感。别人会觉得你一定哪里有毛病。这都是你的错。”张说。

Pressures within 

内部压力

But the pressure to marry doesn't just come from external sources. For some, it is self-inflicted.

逼婚的压力不仅来自外部。对有些人来说，这是内部产生的。

Twenty-seven-year-old Li Yuan was so desperate to rid herself of the 'leftover' label, that she says she practically stopped eating.

27岁的李媛太迫切的要摘掉剩女的帽子，她说她都开始绝食了。

"I wanted to be normal, to get married and have a baby. I think even if you are very beautiful, and you're not married you’re still pitiful because it means no man admires you," says Li. 

“我想变得正常，结婚生个孩子。我想，就算你很漂亮，如果你不结婚，你还是很可悲，因为这说明没有男人爱你。”

Speaking from her modest but tidy bedroom in Beijing's southeast, Li explains that she was born in China's poor Qinghai province and raised in Hebei, a rural area not far from Beijing.

李的家在北京东南角，在她狭小但整洁的卧室里，李说她出生在中国贫穷的青海省，在河北长大，是个离北京不远的农村地区。

"Because of the one-child policy my mother actually went to Qinghai to give birth to me and avoid punishment because she already had a son," she says. 

“由于计划生育政策，我妈妈跑到青海生下我，为了逃避罚款，因为她已经生了一个儿子。”

Born into a farming family, Li grew up dreaming of life in the city.

出生在农村家庭，李梦想能在城市生活。

"Our farm wasn't the kind of farm they have in Australia or America. It was just a little patch of land we shared with other families where we grew corn and wheat. When I was in high school the money wasn't enough to support our family so my father started doing sales in town. That's when he realised that I would have a much better life if I left the countryside." 

“我们的农村不像澳大利亚或者美国的农村。我们只有一小片地，还得跟其他人家共用，我们在地里种玉米和小麦。我上高中的时候，家里钱不够用，所以我爸爸开始在镇上跑销售。然后他意识到，如果我离开农村，我会有更好的生活。”

Li went to a local university to study supply chain management. It was there that she was introduced to her first love, a young soldier. They dated for three years.

李上了当地一所大学，学习供应链管理。在学校里有人介绍她的初恋给她，是个年轻的士兵。他们约会了3年。

"He was a very nice guy and also very handsome, and sometimes when I see romantic movies I think of him," she says.

“他人很好，也很帅，有时候看浪漫电影的时候，我会想到他。”

"[But] being with him taught me that love is sometimes not enough." 

“但是跟他在一起教会了我一件事，有时候光有爱是不够的。”

Both Li's family and that of her boyfriend disapproved of the relationship. Li had graduated from university, but her boyfriend had not, and, she says, "they didn't think a college graduate like me would be suitable".

李和她男朋友的家庭都反对他们在一起。李大学学历，她男朋友不是，她说“他们觉得像我这样的大学毕业生不合适他。”

In the end the pair split up. A year later, she discovered that he had married a local girl introduced to him by his parents, and had already fathered a son.

最后两人分手了。一年以后，她发现他已经和当地一个女孩结婚，是他父母介绍的，而且已经有了一个儿子。

"I became depressed and it took me a long time to accept it," Li says.

“我非常难过，花了很长时间才接受这个事实。”李说。



Twenty-seven-year-old Li Yuan was so desperate to rid herself of the ‘leftover’ label, that she stopped eating. [Katrina Yu/Al Jazeera] 

27岁的李媛迫切的要摘掉剩女的帽子，甚至开始绝食。

When their relationship broke down, Li took up a job in Beijing, and made it her mission to find a partner and settle down. Her biggest fear, she says, was being perceived as a "spinster monster".

分手以后，李媛在北京找了个工作，她的目标是结婚安定下来。她说自己最害怕的是被当成“老处女”。

"A colleague told me about her flat mate, who's 36 and not married, also from a poor farming family. When she first arrived she just spent all her time studying, making money and sending money back home. By the time she turned 30 she still had no idea about relationships, or how to use make-up or make herself more beautiful. My colleague told me that recently she stopped going back home because her family, her community, everyone, would look at her as if she were a monster," Li recalls. "This story had a big impact on me." 

“一个同事跟我说，她的室友也是农村出来的穷孩子，36了还没结婚。她刚来的时候，只顾学习、挣钱、给家里寄钱。到30岁的时候，她还没谈过恋爱，也不知道怎么化妆或者打扮自己。我同事说，她最近不回老家了，因为她家、她们村、每个人看她都像看妖怪。这个故事对我打击很大。”

But after a string of unsuccessful blind dates and fruitless singles events, where women vastly outnumbered men, Li's confidence was at an all-time low. She blamed her weight and took up a regimen of strict dieting and running. "Men believe for a woman to be beautiful she must be thin, it's a fact," she explains.

但是经过一连串失败的相亲，以及毫无结果的单身聚会，这些聚会单身女人的人数大大超过男人，李的信心已跌到谷底。她觉得都是因为她太胖了，于是开始严格的节食和跑步。“男人认为美女一定要瘦，这是事实。”她解释说。

Li joined a running group and met someone there. "He told me he used to be very overweight but lost 30km. He hadn't eaten dinner for three years and I was impressed by his discipline. It was my first relationship in four years and I was so excited that I called my parents late at night and said that if he decided to marry me I wouldn't hesitate."

李加入了一个跑步小组，在那里认识了一个人。“他跟我说，他以前很胖，后来减了30公斤。他有3年不吃晚饭了。我很佩服他的自律。这是我4年来第一次交男朋友，我很兴奋，我给父母打电话说，如果他决定娶我，我会毫不犹豫嫁给他。”

But the relationship didn't go as planned.

但是这段关系并没有按计划的那样发展下去。

"It turns out he was chasing after another girl the whole time," she says, adding: "Maybe I was too honest about how much I liked him, took too much initiative and he thought I was too easy.

“搞半天他整个过程中都在追另一个女孩。也许我对于喜欢他表现得太直白，太主动，他觉得我太好搞定了。”

She has now learnt to be less anxious about her single status, she says. Through running she has made friends with foreigners and some divorced Chinese women, who have helped to broaden her perspective. "They warned me about being too eager to get married, even to the wrong person,” she says. "Now I'm more optimistic, but of course I still want to settle down."

李说她现在学会对于自己的单身状态不那么焦虑了。通过跑步，她认识了一些外国朋友，还有一些离婚的中国女人，他们帮助她拓展了观念。“他们告诫我，不要过于急切的和错的人结婚。现在我更乐观了，当然我还是想要结婚的。”

Li's room is largely undecorated except for one corner, where she displays the medals and badges from the races she has completed. It's when talking about them, that the usually softly-spoken and pensive Li suddenly grows animated. Her immediate goal is to complete the Beijing marathon.

李的房间基本没有什么装饰，除了一个角落，她在那里放她跑步赢得的奖牌。谈到跑步，通常慢声细语的李一下子活泼了起来。她眼下的目标是跑北京马拉松。

"It doesn't matter whether I'm alone or not, I will finish all 30km," she says. "I want to do it for myself."

“我是不是一个人，并不重要。我会跑完30公里的。我想为自己而跑。”

Changing attitudes 

态度转换

Today, Roseann Lake spends most of her time in the US. Formerly based in Beijing, the journalist spent three years travelling across China, meeting and interviewing more than 100 women for her upcoming non-fiction book about the ‘leftover’ phenomenon.

Roseann Lake 现在大部分时间在美国。这位记者先前派驻北京，她花了3年时间走遍中国，采访了100多名妇女，为她的非小说作品“剩女”现象收集素材。

She subsequently produced and directed the 'Leftover Monologues,' a unique spin-off from the American Broadway hit 'Vagina Monologues'. The show involves more than a dozen Chinese and foreign women and men, each individually taking to the stage to share stories, in what Lake describes as an "insight into the complexities of love, sex, marriage and relationships in China - with an emphasis on the unrealistic societal pressures and expectations that accompany all of the above".

她接着制作并导演了“剩女独白”，由百老汇剧“阴道独白”衍生而来。演员包括十二名中外男女，每个人上台讲诉各自的故事。Lake说这是对中国的爱情、性、婚姻和恋爱关系的深入探究，侧重描述与这些相伴的不切实际的社会压力和期待。

The 'Leftover Monologues' women and men explore the complexities of relationships in China. [Katrina Yu/Al Jazeera] 

“剩女独白”中男人女人探索中国恋爱关系的复杂性。

Debuting in Beijing in July 2014, a second rendition was performed in May this year, in both the capital and Shanghai.

该剧于2014年7月在北京首映，今年5月在北京和上海再度上演。

"I think attitudes in China are changing, albeit slowly," says Lake. "More and more parents are understanding and accepting that their daughters want a different kind of life."

Lake说：“我认为中国人对剩女的态度在改变，尽管很慢。越来越多的家长开始理解和接受自己的女儿想要一种不同的人生。”

Before her time 

走在时代之前

If Chinese attitudes about women have only recently started to shift, then Lily Lu was ahead of her time.

如果说中国人对女性的态度只是最近开始转变，陆莉莉就是先锋前卫。

The 51-year-old welcomes me into her apartment like an old friend, hurriedly preparing tea and a range of biscuits and fruits for us to snack on. "All of these I brought back from America, food in China just isn't safe anymore and you have to be careful," she says.

这位51岁的女性把我迎入她的家，就像欢迎一个老朋友，忙着为我们准备茶点水果。“这些都是我从美国买回来的，中国的食品不再安全了，必须多加小心。”

A retired retail buyer, Lu's apartment is full of souvenirs and trinkets picked up during her extensive travels. "It's my hobby and keeps me very busy," she says, proudly giving a brief tour of her collection. "Even though I've never been married, I have a full life."

陆是一名退休的零售采购商，她的公寓里放满了纪念品和小装饰，是她在旅游途中买的。“我的爱好总是让我很忙，”她自豪的展示她的收藏。“尽管我从来没结过婚，我的生活很充实。”

Born in 1964, Lu was raised just outside Beijing in a rural commune close to the Japanese company where her father, a retired military officer, worked. Most families in the area relied on farming, but Lu and her two siblings were comparatively better off.

陆出生于1964年，在北京市外一个农村公社长大，离她父亲工作的一家日本公司很近，陆爸爸是退伍军官。这个地区的多数家庭靠种地生活，但是陆家小孩的生活条件比较好。

"In the 1970s, most families could survive on less than 20 yuan a month because food was cheap and housing was allocated. But my family had more than 80 yuan a month, so we lived very well," she recalls.

“上世纪70年代，大多数家庭一个月的生活费不到20块，那时候食品便宜，房子是分配的。但是我家一个月生活费要80块以上，所以我们生活的很好。”她回忆道。

As a little girl, Lu says she loved to listen to radio programmes about love stories and romance novels. "I've searched for love my whole life. I dreamt of being Cinderella and finding my Prince Charming. Many boys chased me at school, but I was proud and had high standards." 

还是小女孩的时候，陆喜欢听电台关于爱情故事和浪漫小说的节目。“我一生都在寻找我爱。我幻想自己是灰姑娘，寻找我的白马王子。在学校里很多男孩追我，但是我很骄傲，要求很高。”

After school, Lu started working at her father's company, fixing watches while completing her diploma in finance part time at China’s 'television university'. She says it was common to study this way, watching relevant lectures broadcast two or three times a week on a designated educational channel and attending a local school for tutorials.

毕业之后，陆在父亲的公司工作，一边修钟表一边完成她在电大的金融学位。她说过去这种学习方式很常见，每周看两三次教育频道的电视讲课，另外去学校上辅导班。

Though Lu says she enjoyed working with her hands, she craved more social interaction and at 23 moved to Beijing to take up a position as a salesperson at a large suit company.

陆说她虽然喜欢动手干活，但还是渴望更多的社会交往，于是23岁的时候去了北京，在一家大型服装公司当推销员。

"I'd ride my bike around the city, showing my friends and people I knew. The clothes were cheap but good quality, so even though the fashion was a bit dated people still bought them."

“我骑车跑遍全城，向我的朋友和认识的人推销。那些衣服价廉物美，所以尽管样式有些老气，人们还是会买。”

By 25, Lu says she was one of the top salespeople in her company, but still single.

陆说她25岁的时候成了公司的顶级销售，但还单着。

"Most of my friends had settled down by 24 and I was already considered quite 'leftover'. People were always trying to set me up with men, but I didn't like any of them. People generally didn't marry someone they fell in love with, but someone who was 'close enough'. I refused to do this," says Lu.

“我的朋友大多数在24岁结婚，我已经被看成很剩了。别人总想给我介绍对象，但是我一个都不喜欢。很多人不是跟自己爱的人结婚，而是关系够近了就能结婚。这我不干。”



Now 51, Lily Lu was ahead of her time in choosing not to marry. She says she has no regrets about that. [Katrina Yu/Al Jazeera] 

现年51岁的陆莉莉选择不婚，走在了时代之前。她说自己不后悔。

When the suit company she worked for merged with a large Japanese retail company, Lu was promoted to buyer. It was during this time that she met her first boyfriend, a tailor who lived nearby.

当服装厂跟一家日本大型零售公司合并的时候，陆被提拔为采购商。就是这时她遇到了第一个男朋友，一个住在附近的裁缝。

"Being with him was my first sexual experience. I was clueless about sex, which was taboo and I think it frightened me."

“我的第一次是他。我对性一无所知，这是禁忌，我想我害怕性。”

The relationship was cut short when Lu discovered her boyfriend with another woman, but she has no regrets. "Chinese people say once you lose your virginity it’s hard to find true love but I never believed it."

陆发现男朋友劈腿的时候，两人分手了，但是她不后悔。“中国人说一旦你不是处女了，就难找到真爱了，但是我从来不信这一套。”

Although the following years proved uneventful for Lu's love life, her career sky-rocketed. When a new major department store was opened in Beijing in 1994 she visited only to be shocked by a myriad of problems with the merchandise, stock and display.

虽然之后几年陆的爱情生活一片空白，她的事业突飞猛进。1994年一家大百货公司在北京开张，她去看了，发现一大堆商品、库存、展示方面的问题。

"I returned a few times and wrote a report of what could be improved, telling a staff member to give it to the manager. I had no idea who he was but thought he should know anyway. After that they offered me a job," she laughs.

“我又去了几次，然后写了一份改进报告，告诉里面一个雇员交给经理。我不认识经理，但是我想他应该认识。之后他们给了我一份工作。”陆笑道。

Employed as the nationwide buyer for female apparel, Lu was the only woman among a group of 10 men who shared the same rank within the company. 

受聘作为女装的全国采购，陆在10名同级同事中是唯一的女性。

She stayed there for 10 years, visiting different parts of China for work, and eventually using every holiday opportunity she had to travel the world. She acquired a portfolio of properties, as well as a varied collection of antiques, but still felt something was missing.

她在那里工作了10年，因公出差到中国各地，然后用所有的假期周游世界。她买了几处房子，收集古董，但是仍然觉得缺少些什么。

"I was almost 50 and everyone around me was talking about having grandchildren, while I still didn't even have a son."

“我快50岁的时候，周围所有人都在谈论孙子孙女，而我连儿子都没有。”

In 2011, Lu retired and decided to spend more time overseas. "I gave up on finding a Chinese partner. Chinese men think your value decreases with age." 

2011年的时候，陆退了休，决定花更多时间在国外。“我放弃找中国人的伴儿了。中国男人认为女人年纪大，就不值钱了。”

She moved to the US and, at the recommendation of a friend, started internet dating. Last year she met her current boyfriend. Charles is a construction company manager.

她搬去了美国，在一个朋友的推荐下，开始网上约会。去年她遇到了现在的男朋友Charles。Charles是一家建筑公司的经理。

"I hope young 'leftovers' today don't give up on finding true love," says Lu. "In China this kind of love is not the most important thing. But I don't care what they think." 

陆说：“我希望今天年轻的剩女们不要放弃寻找真爱。在中国，真爱不是最重要的东西。但是我不关心他们怎么想。”



Lily Lu says she hopes that single Chinese don't give up on finding true love. [Katrina Yu/Al Jazeera] 

陆莉莉说她希望中国的单身男女不要放弃寻找真爱。

Lu says she has no regrets.

陆说她不后悔。

"I don't think having a family and a career are mutually exclusive. I didn't plan to be so involved in my job, I just loved what I did and I did better than many men." 

“我不认为家庭和事业是互相排斥的。我并没有打算当女强人，我只是喜欢我的工作，也能比很多男人做的好。”

Marriage marketing

婚姻营销

Back in the restaurant, Zhang Lin speaks about her career in academia. She looks serious as she asks that the name of the university she works for not be mentioned in the article.

回到餐馆，张琳谈到她的学术生涯。她很认真的要求不要在这篇文章里提到她工作的大学的名字。

"I love my job and am protective of my position. But the worst part about being unmarried at my age is how my colleagues view me," she sighs. 

“我喜欢我的工作，想保有这个职位。但是最糟糕的是，到了我这个年纪不结婚，我的同事会怎样看我。”

While Lu says she never felt discriminated against because of her unmarried status, Zhang tells a different story. "My female supervisors talk about me and treat me like a weirdo because I'm unmarried. They make me feel like I mustn't be able to do my job properly because I don’t have a husband. It's the worst feeling and it’s always there." 

陆说她从来没有因为单身而受到歧视，张的故事却又不同了。“就因为我没结婚，我的女上司嚼我舌头，对待我像对待变态。他们让我觉得我没法干好工作，因为我没有老公。这种感觉糟透了，而且一直会存在。”

But the researcher and lecturer is at peace in the knowledge that she's made every effort to please those around her. The summer she spent with her mother at Beijing’s marriage market wasn’t all she did.

但是张心平气和，她知道她已经尽全力取悦周围的人。和母亲去北京的婚姻市场只是其中一件。

"My mother was productive; she was actually able to find someone who was ready to marry me. He was also at the market, standing on the other side of the park with his aunt," she says.

“我妈妈效率很高，她真的找到了一个准备跟我结婚的。这个人也在婚姻市场，在公园另一侧，站在他姨妈旁边。”

Although Zhang felt nothing for him, she started seeing him to appease her mother.?

尽管张对他没感觉，她还是开始跟他出去，好让妈妈开心。

"One day he told me he wanted to buy an apartment. He brought me there and said "isn't this apartment nice? Do you have money to buy an apartment? Apartments in Beijing are expensive and if we don't have enough money we should ask our families to support us." I refused and told him I didn’t have the right to ask my parents for such a thing, and anyway I didn’t have money. So I told him to go ahead and buy an apartment for himself. He was very disappointed and I guess finally realised that I had no intention of marrying him," Zhang recalls.

“有一天，他对我说想买房。他把我带到这里，说，这个房子漂亮吗？你有没有钱买房？北京的房子太贵了，如果我们的钱不够，可以问家里要。”我拒绝了，我说我不能向父母要钱，我自己也没有钱。我告诉他，去买吧，买给你自己。他很失望，我猜他最终意识到我没有和他结婚的打算。”

"My mother was furious and wanted to kill me. She felt I had done the worst thing imaginable to her. She said, 'fine if the guy I found for you wasn’t good enough then you find someone yourself, and as soon as possible'."

“我妈妈气疯了，想打死我。她认为我对她做了一件最可怕的事。她说，行啊，如果我给你找的不够好，你自己找一个，赶紧的。”

Zhang says she learned a lot from the experience. "Before all that I believed that it was my fault that I couldn’t find someone. My parents and others would tell me, 'you know as a girl, you shouldn't be spending your money on this and that, travelling here and there'. If Chinese guys know you travel a lot and spend a lot of time abroad they will assume that you don't know how to take care of a family, they won't be happy with you. But that wasn't me at all. I'd rather be single."

张说她从这次经历中学到很多。“之前我一直相信我找不到合适的人是我的错。我父母和其他人说，作为一个女孩，你不应该乱花钱，不应该到处旅游。如果男方知道你总是旅游，经常出国，他们会觉得你不懂得照顾家庭，会不喜欢你。但现在我知道不是我的原因。我宁可单着。”

Finding independence

找到独立

Zhang Lin, Li Yuan and Lily Lu all agree that building independence, financial and otherwise, is the key to decreasing any stigma associated with being single.

张琳、李媛、陆莉莉都同意保持独立性，财务独立和其他方面的独立，是独身女人摆脱耻辱的关键要素。

"The sad thing is most Chinese girls will never be truly independent," says Zhang. "It's worse in Beijing because of the cost of living and housing. If a girl doesn’t have a house she can’t feel secure. So young people tend to be more desperate here, because they believe if they at least find someone they can solve this problem together."

“悲哀的是，中国女人从来没有真正独立过。”张说：“在北京更糟，因为生活成本和房价太高了。女孩子没有房子，她会觉得没安全感。所以这里的年轻人更迫切的想结婚，因为他们认为如果他们能找一个人，在一起他们就能解决问题了。”

In a city where properties sell at an average of 33,000 yuan (around $5,170) per square metre, and the average monthly salary is less than 7,000 yuan (around $1,098), the financial stress in understandable. "Money helps," adds Zhang. "But you have to build your own psychological independence."

在一个平均房价33000人民币一平米的城市，而人均月工资不到7000，财务上的压力可想而知。“钱很有用，”张补充道：“但是你必须要建立自己的心理独立。”

And while traditional ideas about marriage in China aren’t being abandoned altogether, they are evolving.

虽然中国的传统婚姻观并没有完全被摒弃，婚姻观是在进化的。

"More and more women are slowly changing their minds, especially in big cities where things are slowly opening up," says Zhang. This year she joined the cast of Roseann Lake's 'Leftover Monologues,' telling packed audiences of young women and men about the humiliation she endured trying not to be 'leftover'. 

“越来越多的女人慢慢的转变了观念，特别在大城市。”张今年加入了Lake的剩女独白，告诉年轻的男女观众她为了不变成剩女所经受的羞辱。

"Before I was made to feel shame, and now I’m proud, comfortable. The mind-set, in bigger cities especially, is changing," says Zhang.

“以前我会觉得抬不起头，但是现在我很骄傲，感觉很好。人们的观念，特别在大城市，正在改变。”

"China's becoming more open and people are starting to talk about it and even laugh about it. Slowly, we're getting over being 'leftover'."

“中国越来越开放，人们开始谈论甚至打趣剩女。慢慢的，我们也接受自己是剩女了。”



Gail Sharp14 hours ago
Same attitudes in the Western world too I'm afraid. Quite taboo for people to publicise it over here, but it is just the same! I could easily see my mother at one of those 'marriage fairs' for me! (I'm 35 and single)

西方世界也一样。公开叫别人剩女是不行的，但实际上一样！我可以很容易的想象我妈妈出现在婚姻市场上招女婿的样子！（我35，未婚）

John Henry16 hours ago
This kind of things happened everywhere in this world.  Nothing new!   Is all about money.     But poor and older woman will have harder time looking for a husband, unless she is wealthy.  Because every year more younger woman will come into the market, and man can always find mail order bride if they want to.  

这种事全世界都有。不新鲜！说到底就是钱。又老又穷的女人很难嫁人，除非有钱。因为每年都有更年轻的女人进入到这个市场，而只要男人愿意，再不济也能买个邮购新娘。

Chris17 hours ago
The most telling fact related here...... Chinese manufactured food isn't safe...... yet it is the biggest single business imported into the United Staes

这里最有用的信息是。。。中国食品不安全。。。但是美国进口最多的就是中国食品

Heather Pasat17 hours ago
To Chinese women - Please don't settle.  Find the best match for you or stay single.  Your country has an overabundance of men so the power to choose your spouse should be shifting to the women.  The days of picky Chinese men should be coming to an end as there are 40 million too many.  I guess the burning desire for male children bit them in the behind.

中国女人——不要随便把自己嫁掉。找到最好的那一个，或者就单着。你们国家男人比女人多，所以选择权交到女人手里了。中国男人挑三拣四的日子到头了，因为男人比女人多出4000万。我猜重男轻女的观念现在反咬他们一口了。

Gregory16 hours ago
This article is very one sided.  If there are however many 'leftover' women then there have to be that many more 'leftover' men (as there are moremen than women).  But nary a word is said about them as it is not PC to dwell on male difficulties.

这篇文章只是一面之词。如果有那么多剩女，那一定有更多剩男（中国男多女少）。但是文章里没有一句提到剩男，好像讲男性的难处就是政治不正确。

Pete19 hours ago
Come to America. We married everything. 18-80, blind, cripple, crazy

来美国吧。我们跟啥都能结婚。下至18上至80，瞎的，瘸的，疯的

Gregory20 hours ago
I live in China and my wife is Chinese and she says it is tough for the other side also.  A man should ideally have an apartment and a car, or at least smething very strongly in that direction, to be 'competitive' and an attractive catch.  Remember (as the article on 1 child policy states) that there are many more men than women, so numerically it is disadvantageous for the men.  There might not be quite the same societal pressure on males but not many of either gender like being left alone.

我住在中国，老婆是中国人。她说男人一样压力很大。一个男人要想有竞争力，吸引人，最理想的是有房有车，或者至少能看出来将来会有房有车。记住（同那篇讲独生子女政策的文章）中国男多女少，所以对男人来说，人数上不占优势。男性也许不必承担同样的社会压力，但是不管男性女性，谁都不想剩下。

ej1 day ago
Wonderful that Chinese women are beginning to enjoy life more by not getting married at all. Instead they are earning their own way, doing what they want, not being tied down to someone that they do not love and having a good life. Me too, engaged 6 times and called each one of them off because I didn't want to live someone else's dreams... I wanted my own. I'm now a senior citizen and have had an extraordinary life and it continues to be full of adventure, travel, hardship, success, discovery, sadness and joy. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

太好了，中国女人开始不结婚，而是享受人生。这是她们自己挣来的，做自己想做的事，而不是和不爱的人绑在一起。我也是，订婚6次，每次都取消了，因为我不想生活在别人的梦里。我想要有自己的梦。现在我退休了，生活还是丰富多彩，充满了冒险、旅行、困难、成功、发现、悲伤、喜悦。给我全世界我也不换。

tightrope00724 hours ago
I'm glad it worked out for you ej and although things such as "adventure, travel, hardship, success, discovery, sadness and joy." are fantastic I cant hope but notice the word "love" missing.

ej，很高兴你生活的很好，虽然像“冒险、旅行、困难、成功、发现、悲伤、喜悦”这些东西都太美好了，但我还是发现，少了个词“爱”。

when your cat has kittens I'm not sure you are going to get that same feeling as I will when my children have children but I could imagine some people seeing that as a bit of an anchor.

当你的猫生小猫的时候，我不知道你的感受是不是和我看到我的孩子有了孩子的时候一样，但是我能想像有些人把这看作是生活的重心。

each to their own I suppose.

我想每个人都有自己的重心。

ej22 hours ago
Not everyone is meant to be a parent. I'm glad I decided to forego parenthood, even though I love children. I wouldn't think of marrying someone just to become a mother. I have had plenty of love in my life... given, taken and continuing. Also had my cats fixed. No offspring from them either...{:D

不是所有人都适合做家长。我很高兴我决定不要孩子，尽管我喜欢小孩。我不认为结婚就是为了当妈。我的生活很有爱。。。给予、索取，还在继续给予和索取。我也把我的猫咔嚓了。它们也没孩子。。。{:D

Paul Tse1 day ago
Many  of  these   ladies  are   highly  educated   and  professional  too.

这里面很多女士都有高学历，还有好工作。

Gregory22 hours ago
and they will not be looking for men who are poor(er) or not University educated which means they are limiting themselves to a small slide of the population.

而且她们都不愿意找比她们穷的，或者没上过大学的，这就意味着她们把自己局限在很小的一个范围里。

Middle Kingdom1 day ago
these woman need to drop their bar lower and stop dreaming that a prince will come and fetch them, there are millions man out there love to marry and give them a child, so stop whinging and get on with a real life there, women....  

这些女人应该把标准放低一点，别梦想有王子会来娶她们，成千上万的男人等着跟她们结婚生孩子，别无病呻吟了，活在现实里，女人。。。

tightrope0071 day ago
could you imagine how hard it is to find a decent snag in china ?

你知道在中国找到一个合格的新好男人有多难吗？

Jon1 day ago
Man, China is no picnic to live in. The unreal high school exp where school takes up your whole life to study for one make or break test, than when you get out you are expected to do it all family and kids by what 30? No wonder so many rich parents are sending their kids to USA or Canada or elsewhere so they can find themselves without breaking down. 

中国根本不是人呆的地方。高中的时候整天读书，为了一个决定生死的考试，然后等你毕业了，又要求你30岁之前成家生孩子。难怪这么多有钱的家长把小孩送到美国加拿大，这样他们才不至于崩溃。

DUDU1 day ago
If one man can be allowed by law to marry more than one wife, I don't see why there would be leftover women

如果男人能合法的娶多个老婆，我看就没有剩女问题了。

Heather Pasat20 hours ago
There are too many men so it would need to be the other way around, where a woman could have more than one husband.  But modern, educated women aren't going to want to cook, clean and wash the dirty underwear of more than one man.

中国男人比女人多，所以应该反过来，女人可以有多个丈夫。但是受过教育的现代女性是不会愿意给一个以上的男人煮饭、打扫、洗内裤的。

clarence1 day ago
Its because of the society. Chinese men feel threatened by a woman that makes more money than they do, so they will not marry up in class. The hardest thing is for a rich woman, even if she is beautiful, to get a guy. I know a Chinese woman who is 28 years old, a knockout, like movie star knockout, who drives a Bentley and is worth over $50 million US dollars and cannot find a boyfriend. i would take her but i  already have a great woman who is also rich. Next, a woman does not generally desire a poor guy, and the majority of Chinese guys are poor, factory workers. So given these circumstances, men have the advantage. Poor guys marry even poorer girls. Plus, a guy has time on his side. By age 30 in China, the women is considered over the age of desirability. Girls start getting nervous around 28 years old and so do their parents.

这是社会原因。如果女人挣钱更多，中国男人会有危机感，所以男人不原因往上娶。女人有钱就比较难找老公，就算她长得漂亮。我认识一个中国女人，28岁，大美女，电影明星级别的美女，开宾利，身家超过5000万美元，还是找不到男朋友。我本来想收了她的，但是我已经有女人了，也是个富婆。其次，女人通常不想往下嫁，然而中国男人大部分很穷，是工人。所以这些因素使得男人占有优势。穷男人娶更穷的女人。再加上，时间站在男人一边。在中国，女人过了30岁，就被认为没有吸引力了。女孩子到28岁就会开始焦虑，她们的父母也是。

Zak Mil1 day ago
In Asia many families prefer boys to girls because many girls are aborted – Asians culture dilemma. 

亚洲家长偏好男孩，所以很多女孩被打掉——亚洲文化困局。

Over half (+50%) the women in Asian be China, be Japan, Philippines,Vietnam etc…. prefer Caucasians men- and some of these Asians women would go   the extra extra miles to get a Caucasian men.

亚洲国家，比如中国、日本、菲律宾、越南等等等等，这些国家的半数以上的女人，偏好白人。这些亚洲女人会花很多力气搞定一个白人。

Which   should leave millions of Asians men available to marry and date- in fact there are more available Asian men than women, most Asian men complain due to   the lack the available Asian women. 

那就有上百万的亚洲男人多出来，可供约会结婚——实际上亚洲男人多过女人，很多亚洲男抱怨亚洲女不够多。

Clearly these women have other issues: that is   they are all looking for the super handsome,very young, and incredibly wealthy husband - the delusional disease most women suffer from – waiting for your prince charming – sadly prince charming will never show. Which means soon after 35 years   of age all these women will die single and alone waiting for George Clonney. 

很显然这些女人有别的问题：她们总希望嫁一个超级帅、年轻、还有钱的丈夫——很多女人有这种妄想病——等着白马王子——可悲的是王子永远不会出现。这意味着一过35岁，这些女人就会在等待乔治克鲁尼的过程中孤独终老。

笑鹏1 day ago
i am chinese  man ,i like a girl ,she is already 25,but i cann't tell her ,it suffer me much,cause i have rural household register,one word ,,poor,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i try hard to make money ,but in shanghai , a house cost at least 2000,000 yuan ,much expensive than america ,you believe??

我是中国人，我喜欢一个女孩，她已经25了，但是我不能向她告白，太痛苦了，因为我是农村户口，一个字，穷。。。。。我很努力的赚钱，但是在上海，一套房子至少200万人民币，比美国贵多了，你能相信吗？

Nevin Crest1 day ago
Why do you have to live in Shanghai? Aren't any other cities in China where you can work, find a girl you love, and then buy a house at a reasonable price?

为毛必须生活在上海？中国就没有别的城市，在那里你能找到工作，找到你爱的女孩，买个价钱公道的房子？

Nick Farrand1 day ago
take a chance, tell her....love means more than money, if she feels the same, it won't matter.

冒个险，告诉她。。。爱比钱重要，如果她也喜欢你，钱不是问题

Anonymous23 hours ago
Tel her, even if she says "no thank you" you will have tried --- would it not be terrible if you never told her but she would have said "yes"?
You have nothing to lose.

告诉她，就算她说“不，谢谢”你至少也试过了——如果你不告诉她，而她本来会答应你的，那不是更糟？
你又不会少块肉。

Stan Mashek1 day ago   
After living in China for almost 30 years I have saw this go on many many times. The parents always push the girls from age 22 to 25 allot of pressure and the older they get the more pressure the mother puts on them to marry.   The parents of the girls don't matter if  any love or not. Then as soon as they married they are pushed to have a baby that's the next step if a boy that's great if a girl they don't want it. In some cases the husbands family will tell their son the women is no good get rid of her and get another women. Sounds awful but this does happen MORE THAN YOU THINK. Many many men in china cheat on their wives once the kid is born because the wife has no choice but to put with him running around on her. Once a women has a child and divorces its almost impossible for another man to take her and her child to raise his family will not allow this at all. So now a days women are staying single earning good money and their jobs are their life and they like to travel and many of them own apartments and do very well. I hope women stand up for whats good for them and don't worry about what the parents think. TO the  parents love really don't mean much in many   Chinese marriages just  marry have a son and let life go on. I think this is wrong and have told many many Chinese girls make your own life marry some one you chose not your parents its your life. But in the CHINESE culture its been like this for hundreds of years and  will take years for this to change. thank you

我在中国生活了30年，看到太多这种事了。家长在女孩22-25岁的时候就开始催婚，女孩年龄越大催的越紧。家长根本不关心女孩的婚姻里有没有爱。结婚之后，下一步又立刻开始催着生孩子。如果是儿子，好极了，如果是女儿，他们不想要。有时候男方的家长会跟自己儿子说，他老婆不好，甩了她，换个女人。听上去很可怕，但是这事发生的比你想象的要多。很多男人在小孩出生之后就开始劈腿，因为他老婆没有选择，只能跟他在一起。离婚带着孩子的女人，几乎找不到下家。没有哪个男的家里能接受。所以现在很多女人单着，挣得又多，工作就是她们的生活，她们喜欢旅游，很多人有房子，生活得很好。我希望女人们站起来，争取自己的权益，不要担心父母怎么想。对于父母来说，爱在中国人的婚姻里真的不重要。就是结婚，生儿子，过日子。我觉得这是错的，也跟很多中国女孩说，过你们自己的生活，和你们自己选择的人结婚，而不是你父母替你选，这是你的人生。但是中国的文化几百年就是这样，改变需要时间。